24 March 2015

Lost soul

"If you love deeply, you're going to get hurt badly." - C.S. Lewis


Some days I wake up, and I feel the fractures in my flesh. Today felt like my entire world was in total darkness. I felt like I was in a world of pain. I felt like I crying. It all felt like a storm came out of nowhere. I just sat there, the pain took over and I allowed it to numb myself. My body kept wanting to eat itself up, and my mind wouldn't stop asking my heart if I could carry the pain around my whole life. Pain has marked me, but it's too deep to see. All that remains of it, is nothing but a shadow. Not in my mind even, but also in my flesh. It's killing me.

There's always some kind of pain. It flashes to remind you, when you least expect it. No matter how hard I try or how bad I want to relieve some of the pain from inside, I can't. It just stays in place. There is a longing for impossible things, for what never was, for what could have happen. But not knowing which decision to take is the most painful, the ache for what never will happen is worse. It is the most painful kind of hope there is; we pretend it away, ignore it and we tell ourselves we're imagining it. Nothing is real, and nothing is ever going to be real.

Like a knife slashing through. Is never wanting to live, but only to dream forever. 

If it ends, no time can heal, nothing can make whole again.

p/s: Because "life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to life. You can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led towards the road strewn with pain, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it." - J.D. Strobe. But a lost soul will not take you anywhere in life.

9 March 2015

Just one of those days

Today is one of those days where I just feel like crying my eyes out.

Today is one of those days where I just feel like sleeping in, hiding underneath my sheets as if I'm hiding from the world.

Today is one of those days I feel like giving up 
on everything, even life itself.

Today is one of those days I wish all of this pain and heartache will 
go away as if it was like waking up from a nightmare.

Today is one of those days I realise what I used to have, 
I don't have anymore, like I've lost it all.

Today is one of those days where it feels like I'm missing someone 
so much, but that someone doesn't exist and is not real.

Today is one of those days where I break into many pieces, 
having no hope that tomorrow will be better.

I just want to cry until all the hurt goes away.