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The whole story is

Sometimes people think that they know you, but they really don't - they only know a few facts about you, they piece you together in a way that makes sense to them.
Sometimes people think that as human beings, we can survive almost anything, as long as we see the end in sight. But the thing about depression is that it's impossible to ever see the end - depression is so insidious and it compounds daily.
Sometimes people think that they can understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness you're going through - but they can't, they will never.
The whole story is: I am sad. I am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that I can't get away from it - it's like a lifelong fight to keep myself from sinking.
Recent posts

Page 1 of 365

Today, is the first blank page of another 365 page book. I'm guessing you'd expect me to write a good one, but I realised that I haven't been writing for a while now; my last blog post was written almost a year ago. One year is gone, just like that. It wasn't the best though, I would say. Last year was one of the toughest years I've been through. Okay, I probably do say this every year about previous years, but really. It truly was one of the toughest years yet. Never have I ever worked so hard to juggle both work and university life. At the same time, to manage myself.
But of course, there were some highlights for the previous year. I enrolled in a class learning basic graphic designing and excelled. Two of my best friends from college came to visit and spent a good two weeks here, covered the four cities in Australia. You have no idea how happy I was to see them after a year. And the best one was when my boyfriend came over after one and a half year of not seein…

Untitled

I understand why many believe that long distance relationships never work. Here I am, attempting to blog about LDR and how shitty is it, whilst having FaceTime on with him on the other end, sleeping. We were meant to talk to each other, not actually me watching him sleep. 
If you are wondering - yes, I'm pissed at him. The thing is, these are the only few days I get to talk to him. Yeah, fine. He couldn't text me in the afternoon before I went into work was because he "took a nap". Sure, he's tired and exhausted from playing futsal last night. Sure, sure. So I assume, I'm just meant to sit here and be a good, supportive girlfriend and tell myself, I'm all good with all this? What if I was having a bad day and all I want to fucking do is have him "virtually" hug me, or at least be there for me? Well, bad news for me. He can't or he won't. Because he's tired, he's asleep and he's not even going to try. Honestly? I think, or I …

Reborn

"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

Hello everybody :) Yes, I've decided to blog. My boyfriend has been asking me from time to time to blog again. I just cannot find the time to. I've been really busy with classes and work, and now that I'm on summer break, I've been working so much more. I had yesterday and today off, so I'm here to write and blab about stuffs that nobody except my boyfriend who will give a real crap or two about all this lol. Lub u bibi.
Honestly, life has been really good lately. I'm doing really well in uni (don't take this as if I'm bragging, I'm not. I'm just really thankful). I'm doing really well at work too (again, don't take this as if I'm bragging, I'M NOT. It's just that it's my first job, everything is going so well and I can't believe it's great). Everything seems so great for me. I've made good friends here,…

I wish you were here

"It pains me to know you're hurting further than my arms can reach, that I am unable to protect you with the entire span of the Pacific between us, that no number of emails or texts or FaceTime minutes can bandage the bruises he hammers into your skin. There are days I think of you until the expression on my face is a postcard he will not let you read: I wish you were here, I wish you were here, I wish you were here. I keep three clocks set to your timezone as reminders that my 2AMs are your almost middays, that while the moon wanes in this sky you are under the sun someplace else, feeding breadcrumbs to birds in a park wishing for wings of your own and I imagine that for a fraction of a moment, you're not so afraid. Fly home to me,  where the hands that hold you will tremble with passion not violence, where you will not be a possession but the universe I inhabit, fly home to me." 
- Beau Taplin // I Wish You Were Here
I'm no longer mad at you for leaving me behind…

He affects me

He affects me, even when he's absent.

I thought this goodbye was going to be much easier than the past four goodbyes. This goodbye was actually harder than when he left Australia to go back to Malaysia for his internship. I thought this time was going to be easier because I thought I was/am already used to us living apart. But these three weeks changed everything. I actually felt happy; what I felt was real happiness I haven't felt in a very long time.
I know it's just 'one more year'. But you have no idea how long one year feels, how many things can happen in a year and that today can be someone's and anyone's last day. I know it's just another 365 days to go, but no one really knows that the past 365 days was torture to me, filled with so much sadness and tears, and darkness took over my life. The past year was one of the most difficult time I had to go through and that took me a while to get back up on my feet. It's just one more f-year, but you…

Astray

I know I've been gone for some time. I was just so caught up with classes, work and getting my shit up altogether. It was a difficult time for me, where much tears were shed, so much anger in me, so much hatred. Shutting the world out was definitely something I've learned in the past few months. But here I am, still standing tall. Trying to keep my head held high. Now it is time for me to rest. A much deserved break :)
Many things had happened in this past few months I went missing. I've landed a real job, which I love so f-ing much. I swear, it's like my dream part-time job! Everyday at work is like playtime for me - talking to customers about clothes, dressing them up, advising them, first look at new arrivals, wearing new arrivals, etc. It feels like I'm finally doing something I really love. My passion for clothes/fast-fashion. I feel like a walking mannequin, wearing them pretty clothes and my closet is filled with clothes that I've probably only worn onc…