17 December 2015

Reborn

"In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life:
it goes on." - Robert Frost


Hello everybody :) Yes, I've decided to blog. My boyfriend has been asking me from time to time to blog again. I just cannot find the time to. I've been really busy with classes and work, and now that I'm on summer break, I've been working so much more. I had yesterday and today off, so I'm here to write and blab about stuffs that nobody except my boyfriend who will give a real crap or two about all this lol. Lub u bibi.

Honestly, life has been really good lately. I'm doing really well in uni (don't take this as if I'm bragging, I'm not. I'm just really thankful). I'm doing really well at work too (again, don't take this as if I'm bragging, I'M NOT. It's just that it's my first job, everything is going so well and I can't believe it's great). Everything seems so great for me. I've made good friends here, I'm finally used to everything here in Canberra. I don't miss Malaysia as much, or actually, I don't miss it anymore, except my aunts and friends back there. Okay, maybe the food, shopping and nightlife too. K, maybe I still do miss Malaysia a lil' bit. But I don't have that "feeling" of wanting to go back anymore. 

Crazy right? Gone are those days feeling like shit, not wanting to wake up from this nightmare of doing nothing, knowing no one, having nobody to talk to, missing home, missing him. Gone are those days of not wanting to eat, not wanting to go out, feeling all depressed and shit. I'm finally happy. I'm actually really happy with what I have right now. Yeah, maybe there are still days I feel like crying my eyeballs out, but it isn't because of my shitty life here. Not anymore. I am happy. I finally got my life all sorted out. I feel great, mentally and emotionally stronger, more confident. Everything is just falling into place. I am so thankful and grateful. Hopefully, things will get better.

You have no idea how difficult it was to get out of the darkness. It was hell for me. My days felt longer than it usually would. All I wanted to do was to lie in bed and wish I'd never get up. I always felt like giving up. Everything always seemed so dark for me. It was so hard to see past all the darkness I was in. Up until recently. You have no idea... how good it feels to be able to see the light, to feel happiness and joy again :).

19 August 2015

I wish you were here


"It pains me to know you're hurting
further than my arms can reach,
that I am unable to protect you with the entire
span of the Pacific between us,
that no number of emails or texts
or FaceTime minutes
can bandage the bruises
he hammers into your skin.
There are days I think of you
until the expression on my face
is a postcard he will not let you read:
I wish you were here,
I wish you were here,
I wish you were here.
I keep three clocks set to your timezone
as reminders
that my 2AMs
are your almost middays,
that while the moon wanes in this sky
you are under the sun someplace else,
feeding breadcrumbs to birds in a park
wishing for wings of your own
and I imagine that for a fraction of a moment,
you're not so afraid.
Fly home to me, 
where the hands that hold you will tremble
with passion not violence,
where you will not be a possession
but the universe I inhabit,
fly home to me." 

- Beau Taplin // I Wish You Were Here

I'm no longer mad at you for leaving me behind, nor am I still mad at you for staying on. It just feels like forever, since you've been gone. I miss you, and I want you. I just wish you were here. I want you to pack your bags, take the next flight here, stay here and never leave again.

8 July 2015

He affects me

He affects me, even when he's absent.


I thought this goodbye was going to be much easier than the past four goodbyes. This goodbye was actually harder than when he left Australia to go back to Malaysia for his internship. I thought this time was going to be easier because I thought I was/am already used to us living apart. But these three weeks changed everything. I actually felt happy; what I felt was real happiness I haven't felt in a very long time.

I know it's just 'one more year'. But you have no idea how long one year feels, how many things can happen in a year and that today can be someone's and anyone's last day. I know it's just another 365 days to go, but no one really knows that the past 365 days was torture to me, filled with so much sadness and tears, and darkness took over my life. The past year was one of the most difficult time I had to go through and that took me a while to get back up on my feet. It's just one more f-year, but you've no idea how painful it is to get through another year.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was just missing him: I miss having his arms wrapped around me, while I lay my head comfortably on his chest. The sneaky kisses he gives me on my forehead when he thinks I'm fast asleep and wouldn't realise he does it. Miss his snores that I complain every morning after. I miss waking up to his face. I couldn't sleep last night because I felt very alone. Just when I was about to get used to having him by my side day and night, he has to leave me again.. and then I'm alone, all alone. I'm trying to be strong, but it's fucking hard.

I hope this will be the last time I'll have to say goodbye to you.

5 June 2015

Astray


I know I've been gone for some time. I was just so caught up with classes, work and getting my shit up altogether. It was a difficult time for me, where much tears were shed, so much anger in me, so much hatred. Shutting the world out was definitely something I've learned in the past few months. But here I am, still standing tall. Trying to keep my head held high. Now it is time for me to rest. A much deserved break :)

Many things had happened in this past few months I went missing. I've landed a real job, which I love so f-ing much. I swear, it's like my dream part-time job! Everyday at work is like playtime for me - talking to customers about clothes, dressing them up, advising them, first look at new arrivals, wearing new arrivals, etc. It feels like I'm finally doing something I really love. My passion for clothes/fast-fashion. I feel like a walking mannequin, wearing them pretty clothes and my closet is filled with clothes that I've probably only worn once or twice. 

Also, this semester has been the hardest so far. I had a death subject, which was just an introduction to the business law in Australia. I had economics, which I really suck at; and the other two, which was alright. I got my results today and THANK GOD. It is all really over. I can finally enjoy my break without worrying about my results. I can sleep soundly tonight - I hope. I can go back to Malaysia with a big smile on my face. I feel like going crazy right now. I just want to blast some music and get high. I'm just so f-ing happy I'm done with this semester.

Otherwise, life is pretty good. I've gone full on purple and it's very high maintenance, but I love it. My relationship with Marcus is pretty good as well and I'M SEEING HIM IN A FEW WEEKS TIME. I also just realised that I've been here for a year already and it's growing on me. Everything seems to be perfect, but it doesn't feel so right. Because nothing perfect can lasts. I'd be so damn lucky if it does for me. X

6 April 2015

Absence

"I found that I missed him the more he was absent from my life, and the more I missed him, the more I loved him." - Donna Lynn Hope


To be separated by distance, and for a matter of years... it sucks, really. To be wide awake, and start my day, but him getting all ready to go to bed. To watch him sleep, while he does the same, hours later. To feel nothing, but the exchange of feelings for each other. To face each other, but with a screen between us. We know nothing about each other most of the time. Because my morning is his night, his morning is my night. I go to bed, while he gets up from bed. He goes to bed, while I get out of mine. My today is his tomorrow; his today was my yesterday.

I sometimes forget how it feels to be loved. I sometimes forget how it feels to be touched, and to be cared for. I sometimes forget the way his eyes smiles, the way he looks at me, the way he cups my face with both his hands to kiss me. I sometimes forget the way he pulls me over to hug me, the way he kisses me on my forehead, the way he slowly grabs my hand and hold them tightly. I sometimes forget the way he brushes my hair off my face. Sometimes I forget how he looks when he's sleepy, how he smells, how soft his skin feels like and his warmth.....

He has no idea how much I miss him. No one truly knows how painful it is to be in a long-distance relationship after being together for 7 years, seeing each other almost everyday. Nobody understands. My heart aches. My hearts desires for no one but him. But... I can't have him. Not right now, not soon either. It really hurts. To love someone so much, to want to be with him every second of your life, but you can't. Because we are separated by distance and for a matter of years, not knowing when all of this will end. I love him, and I miss him so.

24 March 2015

Lost soul

"If you love deeply, you're going to get hurt badly." - C.S. Lewis


Some days I wake up, and I feel the fractures in my flesh. Today felt like my entire world was in total darkness. I felt like I was in a world of pain. I felt like I crying. It all felt like a storm came out of nowhere. I just sat there, the pain took over and I allowed it to numb myself. My body kept wanting to eat itself up, and my mind wouldn't stop asking my heart if I could carry the pain around my whole life. Pain has marked me, but it's too deep to see. All that remains of it, is nothing but a shadow. Not in my mind even, but also in my flesh. It's killing me.

There's always some kind of pain. It flashes to remind you, when you least expect it. No matter how hard I try or how bad I want to relieve some of the pain from inside, I can't. It just stays in place. There is a longing for impossible things, for what never was, for what could have happen. But not knowing which decision to take is the most painful, the ache for what never will happen is worse. It is the most painful kind of hope there is; we pretend it away, ignore it and we tell ourselves we're imagining it. Nothing is real, and nothing is ever going to be real.

Like a knife slashing through. Is never wanting to live, but only to dream forever. 

If it ends, no time can heal, nothing can make whole again.

p/s: Because "life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to life. You can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led towards the road strewn with pain, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it." - J.D. Strobe. But a lost soul will not take you anywhere in life.

9 March 2015

Just one of those days

Today is one of those days where I just feel like crying my eyes out.

Today is one of those days where I just feel like sleeping in, hiding underneath my sheets as if I'm hiding from the world.

Today is one of those days I feel like giving up 
on everything, even life itself.

Today is one of those days I wish all of this pain and heartache will 
go away as if it was like waking up from a nightmare.

Today is one of those days I realise what I used to have, 
I don't have anymore, like I've lost it all.

Today is one of those days where it feels like I'm missing someone 
so much, but that someone doesn't exist and is not real.

Today is one of those days where I break into many pieces, 
having no hope that tomorrow will be better.

I just want to cry until all the hurt goes away. 

9 February 2015

Treasure to trash

"To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me." - ZOEgirl


Sometimes I wish I was stronger - emotionally and mentally. It would mean to let everything go, even the one you truly love. I know the truth hurts, but I rather know it all than to one day find out of the truth without being told of it. My heart is aching knowing that he sometimes wishes to have things done another way/with me not being in the big picture. I just found out about it today. Fucking stupid of me.

I have never ever thought of having a life without him in it, or even wishing for a life without him; without us. I have never ever said "If I weren't in a relationship, I'd be able to..." do this or do that. Never. I'd never tell someone to "not fall in love" because you'll be trapped or tied up, and you won't have the freedom to do anything you want. If being in a relationship is like being in chains, then why be in one? Why?

Why waste my time? Why give me hope? Why bother giving me a glimpse of our future together? But behind my back, you sometimes wish otherwise? I don't understand. Am I wrong to feel this way? Sad? Angry? I don't know what is it that I'm doing, is wrong, or not good enough for him. I'm already trying to be at the very best I can, but it seems like I'm failing at it miserably. I don't know what to do anymore.

If I was stronger, maybe I could take a step forward, and walk out the door. Maybe to fall in love again, but with someone who will appreciate me, love me for who I am, and will want to have a future with me. I don't want to keep living like this - all the lies, all the truth being hidden underground, all the doubts. I just want it all to go away. I just want to be happy. That's all I'm asking for. But what can I do?

Nothing. Because I'm weak. My body and my mind prefers to just lay there and shed tears all night long. So pathetic. So so effing pathetic.

27 January 2015

Twentysomething

"The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind." - Patrick Rothfuss

Playsuit: ASOS | Sandals: Rubi Shoes by Cotton On

I feel depressed. It was my birthday yesterday. I was pretty excited about it, but when the day came, it just didn't feel right. It hit me real hard that I'm now a 'twenty-something'. I'm no longer sweet sixteen or twenty-one and legal; I'm bloody twenty-something. Freaking old.

I feel old. I feel like I should let go of my childhood. I'm not a kid anymore, I should stop acting like one. I should really start planning out my life/my future. I'm still living with my parents, I just started uni. I don't have enough money to even rent a room. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I should be out there! Living on my own, have a real job, my own car, my own place and shizzzz. But nope, I'm still right here.

Actually, I have no idea what's making me upset. It's like every year I feel like this during or after the first few days, or even weeks after my birthday. I remember last year, I turned the legal age, I just felt so meh. I guess it's going to be like this. No more OH MY GOSH MY BIRTHDAY OMG OMG OMG. Just meh, I just wanna sleep all day all night long, want everybody to not annoy me, k goodnight lol zzzz.

That was exactly how I felt yesterday. Plus, I had to go to work and I had a really bad headache. But the great thing was today. They had fireworks because it's Australia Day. The fireworks were so beautiful. I swear, it was like I had a "moment". It felt like I was going to have a great year. I don't know, it just felt like life is going to be much better for me. Just had that 'feel'. But I hope so. That was my birthday wish.

p/s: Sorry for the mumble jumble. I swear I wanted to blog days ago, but I was just too busy with work and talking to boyfriend. But YEAH, I'm still really busy. Oh yes, I finally have a real job! My first job btw, and I'm loving it :) Promise you guys I'll blog again when I can, XX

15 January 2015

Never see the stars


There are days where I just feel like lying in bed and hide under my blanket because I feel fat, and ugly. Today is one of those days. I just feel like staring at the four walls and ceiling, and not think about anything that is making me sad/upset. Just one of those days where I feel like crying my eyes out, and tell everyone to just shut the fuck up, and fuck off because everything is annoying the hell out of me. Just another day where I feel like giving up on life because it feels like I have lost my purpose in life. I just feel so alone and it's like nobody understands..

I can be really emotional sometimes. I can be emotional about something, and sometimes even about nothing. I don't know why I'm like this. I feel like I'm much more emotional than a normal human being should be. I hate it sometimes. I feel different and weird, like I don't belong and nobody is like me. I try to stay strong, but it's so hard to. I'm always trying to improve myself, constantly trying to be good in everything I do - in my studies, my relationship, my career and the way I present myself to others, but the flooding of my emotions are always in the way of it all. Sometimes I wish I was the best and have the perfect everything. So I wouldn't have to feel this way about myself.

I'm just going to go to sleep. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow. I never want to give up on life, even though I always feel like doing so. I have already gone this far in life. Is it worth giving up? I ask myself this everyday and every time I feel like giving my life up. Hope.

8 January 2015

Winged dreams

Tribal print dress: Supré | Ear cuff: Sportsgirl | Flash tattoo: Colette by Colette Hayman

I've always liked having a brand new year. It's like you get to start all over again. It feels like you've been given a book that has 365 blank pages, and you get to write/draw whatever the hell you want with only a pen. Things will, and can change if you make it happen for yourself.

This year has already been a great year for me. I was just verbally offered to continue working for the place I'm currently working at, which was what I really wanted. I never thought I'd like working in retail, but here I am. It's a pretty amazing job. I know the job's pretty easy, but it's something I really like doing. This job has been a motivation and it has given me a clearer view on what I might want to do in the future.

I mean, I know this isn't the dream company I'd want to work for, but it's a start of something. I take this as an experience to grow and move forward to achieve my goals and dreams. I just have to really work hard, stay optimistic and maybe one day, just one day, I will end up in my dream company and have lots people working for me. If I could buy over the company and become the CEO, that would be even better! Lol.

I can always dream. Dreams may come true. Anyways, I'm really hoping for great year. I'm turning another year older in nineteen days. I feel so old. Just when I thought I had my whole life figured out, OH BOY. I was so wrong. I still need time. Have a great year everybody :)