24 November 2014

The Heart Wants What It Wants

"Who hasn't been trapped in a relationship with someone who only hurts and ignores you? Who hasn't felt the pain of loving someone who constantly lies to you and plays mind games?

Sometimes relationship devolve into these sad, troubled cycles that we can't break free of – no matter how much we want to. It feels like you don't want it anymore, but you still do."

19 November 2014

What it's like to be skinny

I'm skinny. I'm five feet one and I weight about thirty-nine kilos. I have never ever reached forty kilos before. Maybe I have, but just once. I'm a US size two, my waist is about twenty-three/four inches and my shoe size is size five. But guess what? I hate being this skinny. It sucks.

Crop top: H&M | High-waist shorts: Cotton On | Shoes: Vintage | Bag: H&M | Body chain: ASOS

I've read many posts about girls dissing and commenting about skinny girls like me. How we skinny girls are the "prettier/more good-looking" ones, that we have so much "self-confidence" and we always "get the guys". I heard we get to dress pretty because all clothes; anything and everything look good on us, that only skinny girls get to be "models" and every girl in the world wants to be/look like us. Us skinny girls make non-skinny girls look bad. But you girls don't know what it's like to be skinny. I am skinny and I hate it so freaking much.

I never asked to be this skinny. I have been skinny all my life. I have tried many ways to look normal. I want to be able to wear normal-sized clothes, not shop at the kids section. You have no idea what it's like to walk into a store and you see something you like, you try it on, hoping that it'd fit, but it doesn't fit because you're too skinny. And guess what? It's the smallest size they have. It happens all the bloody time. I love shopping, but I always end up going home feeling terrible about myself because I was too thin/skinny for that top, that skirt and that jeans.

I eat like a normal person, I don't starve myself and puke all over the toilet bowl. I eat breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and supper. I told you, I eat like a normal person would. But I'm always accused of having an eating disorder that I do not have, and I hate it. I hate it too when people tell me I don't eat enough, or I look pale/sick/malnourished. I'm also often compared to a twig or a chopstick, called a "bag of bones" and get jokes like "Hey Jo, you sure you can carry that?" - bloody hell, it's just a pot. I'm always told to have a real meal, to stop starving myself and to gain some weight. I have people acting all shocked when they see me eating or going for a second/third round of food.

Being skinny isn't everything. I've seen many posts of people comparing skinny girls to larger girls, it always ends up with skinny girls getting trashed and called repulsive, while the larger girls get called a real woman/true beauty. You have no idea what skinny girls like myself go through. I'm not saying non-skinny girls don't go through any shit, I know you girls do too. But it isn't fair; just because we are skinny means we are bad role models, we get trashed/critised, and talked about. People are people. We all have feelings. Just remember that.

17 November 2014

Curiouser and curiouser

Hsiang and I have been together since high school. We went to college together, and we are now almost into our third year of long-distance relationship. He's in the states and I just migrated to Australia. We are living 9,429 miles apart, with a huge time difference of 15-17 hours.

A long-distance relationship is an intimate relationship that takes place when couples are separated by a considerable distance. LDR is not living in the same state (I'm making a comparison based on where I was from, which is a really small country), and going to different schools/colleges/universities. LDR is living miles apart and separated by time. LDR is not taking the next car/bus/train ride to see each other. LDR is having to sit hours on a plane to be with each other, and it is the only mode of transport you have. LDR is not knowing when is the next time you'll see each other again. LDR is having to depend on texting/WhatsApp/FaceTime/Skype to communicate with each other.

Being one of the very few couples being in a LDR, I sometimes get really ridiculous or some "I-know-it's-a-painful-question, but-I'm-going-to-ask-anyway #lol #sorrynotsorry" kind of questions from my friends and family members. Some questions asked are really like IN YOUR FACE, some really ends up with me all soaked up in tears and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I'd usually suck it up when I answer these few questions. I'd sometimes lie and pretend like things are alright/going to be fine, but I'm going to be really honest this time. These are my thoughts/answers to some of your questions I always wish I could give to all of you. These are the few common ones.

Do you miss him?

Hurmmm hmm mm. What do you think? I don't know. Isn't it obvious? *laughs sarcastically* Do you really want to know if I miss him or not? Well, of course I do?! I mean, you get to see your boyfriend/girlfriend every other day/week, and you still do miss him/her. Don't you?!

When will you be seeing each other again? 
Is he going to Australia to see you? 
Are you going over to see him?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. So far we have nothing planned yet. We have zero plans of going over here or there to see each other. We do want to see each other, but we are so caught up with our own lives and stuffs. However, I cannot wait till I get to see him again.

Is long-distance relationship THAT difficult?
Why do you still do it?
How do you do it?

I don't know really. LDR is fucking hard. I mean, who in the right mind would actually want to sacrifice so much/everything for a LDR that you don't know if  it will end up being a successful relationship or not, shed lots of tears, and have your heart broken over and over? There is just so much pain to go through. I swear, nobody should ever consider having a LDR. So why did I sign up for all this shit? I guess I did it because I love him. He's my first love, and eventually he grew to become my best friend. I always believe that one day we would be together. We'd have a family and cute kids. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Because I do truly love him. That's why I signed up for this experience in hell. Love makes us do stupid things. This is the one stupid thing I did/am doing, and it's all for love. My love for him.

How do I do it? Lots and lots of patience. If he does something that makes you sad, be patient with him. If he does something stupid, be patient with him. If he pushes you away, be patient with him. Trust him with all your heart - or at least pretend to trust him like how I do (p/s: because I have major trust issues). Try your best to make him happy. Make him laugh. Give him space, give him all the space he needs/wants, which is a whole lot of it. Respect him. Argue and fight less, even though sometimes it's difficult to. Always be there for him when he needs you; listen to him, talk to him and lend him a virtual shoulder to lean on. Most important of all: never ever stop loving him.

What is going to happen next? 
Is he going over to Australia? 
Are you going to the states to be with him?

This has got to be everyone's favourite. I think everyone has asked me this before, or not many times. If you really must know, Hsiang and I have been talking about it for some time now. We've talked about where our relationship is heading, whether we were going to have a future together or not and what we both really want. I mean, all this isn't easy. Both of us have things we really want in life, and it's so difficult to be on the same page. We still need lots of time to think it through. This is a big decision for us to make. We do want each other in our lives. Well, I know I do. I want to spend my entire life with him, I want to watch him grow old, I spend all my time loving him and taking care of him. But I don't know what the future has in store for us. Though I wish I knew, 'cos I'm terrified of the future. The future really scares me.

When are you guys getting married?
Are you guys EVER getting married?

Just because we have been with each other for almost nine years doesn't mean we have to get married soon/ASAP. I know I want to be married (you have no idea how much I want to be married; it would be like a dream come true if I do ever marry ahh bliss) and have four adorable kids: two boys, two girls. In my head, I have already planned out almost my entire wedding. I even have names for my kids, for heaven's sake! But I don't know when we will marry or if we will even marry each other lol. However, a girl can dream. I can dream. I will always dream. And don't worry though. You'll definitely get an invitation to the wedding of the year IF it ever happens lolol. Yes, I said if :).

11 November 2014

Got lost in it

"Hung my head, as I lost the war and the sky turned black like a perfect storm.
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing."

This is my fav picture of us. I was going through his Dropbox (he told me I could log in anytime I like to look at pictures of us) and found this. I also came across some stuffs I wish I could unsee. Please don't mind me, when I'm crying I tend to write stuffs that doesn't make sense.

I hate feeling like this. It feels like being torn apart. I'm already trying to be so strong. I try to forget stupid little things that upsets me. I've been trying to "switch off". I keep telling myself to be patient, to trust him and have faith. But how can I? We are miles apart, our relationship is so unstable. He has hid things from me, and I don't know if he still is. Is this what LDR really is like? It really hurts so much.

The truth does hurt. Because the truth is the truth. It shatters our heart. Sometimes when we are told of the truth, we'd wish we never knew of it. But the most pain you can ever feel is when you find out the truth, after being "lied" to. You won't be able to sleep, you cry, you don't know how to trust, but you have to pick yourself up and ask yourself these questions: should I live with this pain or should I just shake it off?

I told myself after days and days of crying myself to sleep, crying in the shower, crying when listening to sad, sad songs. I told myself to just shake it off. Just let it go, even though it's difficult to. Even if it kills you to do so. And things got better for me. I didn't think of it, I didn't talk about it (I tried not to) and nothing. I was happier. Until today, until just minutes ago. Here comes all the pain and waterworks. Fffuck.

5 November 2014

Being a Christian

I came across an article recently titled 'Being A Christian Doesn't Always Look Like You Think It Should', written by Preston Sprinkle. A friend shared it on Facebook and it caught my attention. I did a quick read on it, and I thought HEY, I'd really like to have a say in it too.

Well, I am a Christian. I've always been a Christian. I was born a Christian, taught to be one and brought up to "act" like one. I go to church every Sunday. I sort of read the Bible, and yes, I said sort of. I enjoy praise and worship sessions a lot, though I don't really pay any attention on what is being preached, unless it's about things I can relate to. And I pray. Did I also mention that I've already been baptised?

I grew up learning stuffs like, be kind to your neighbour, do not lie, do not steal, do not cheat, do not kill, do not commit adultery (even though I had no idea what adultery meant until I was old enough to know what sex was), no sex before marriage, no LGBT stuffs and basically everything a Christian would/should know from The Ten Commandments, the two Greatest Commandment and the Holy Bible.

However, as I grew older I had "questions". Are Christians allowed to smoke? Because the Bible said 'the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit' and I was aware that no harm should be done to our bodies. The biggest question I had was when I went for a Hillsong concert, and I saw the lead singer, he had a tattoo on his right arm. I was like, REALLY? I started asking more and more questions. Note that I had three piercings on my left ear, got my belly pierced and I was very much into tattoos, but I was taught that tattoos are a big no-no. So imagine my reaction when I saw the lead singer with a dragon tattoo. I had so many questions, nobody could answer. All I got was, tattoos are really bad.

I even got lectured by this dude in church, who had a tattoo on the back of his neck, after silly me posted a Facebook status saying I wanted to get a tattoo like right now. He told me how Christianity changed him, that getting a tattoo was no good, I'd regret it, disobey God and his plans to laser it off to show God he loves Him. Of course, at that time, I was still just a kid and I was like k whatever dude. I let that go, I still had so many questions to ask, but I never got THE right answer. All I got was the same that's not right; don't; Christians shouldn't do that.

So I grew up with my own set of rules. If you want to be treated right, treat people the same way you want them to treat you. Appreciate what you have. Gays? Lesbians? Bisexuals? Who cares? They are still people, they shouldn't be treated differently. Sex before marriage? Honestly, that is all up to you, how you see things, but of course it's better to save it for "the one". Well, I can't say much. Because I believe in soul mates and true love. Lies, are lies. White lies are lies. Steal, cheat, kill and adultery? If you know what is right, is right and what is wrong, is wrong. It's all up to you to make a decision based on all that. I won't judge, I'm not here to judge, but remember.............. God will.

Tattoos? Why not? Piercings does the same thing as tattoos does to your body. If we weren't allowed to go for tattoos, then why are we allowed to pierce our ears? If we, as Christians shouldn't smoke, then why drink? Drink, but don't get drunk is still drinking. I'd always ask these questions, especially about tattoos vs piercings. I've asked my mother before, she herself couldn't give me an answer to that. LULZ.

My point is: doing these things doesn't or SHOULDN'T make you any less of a Christian. Unless of course, you're a fake. Praise God, praise God, act all innocent and holy, but outside the church, you're something else. I mean, as long as you don't fake it. I've seen a lot of fakers, and I know a lot of fakers. These fakers are the ones that make me and everyone else who isn't a Christian, question Christianity. But I believe in God, I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I want to be good to others too. I want to make the world a better place. I want to give people hope. I want my loved ones to be saved by the grace of God. So shouldn't just all of these matter, as a Christian? Um yes.

p/s: Mum, if you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you'll be upset and you'll smack me with a Bible, and drown me with Holy water. You'll probably pray for my salvation and ask the pastors (I said pastors) to talk to me. Sorry, and I love you <3

4 November 2014

Small beautiful breasts

"I know my breasts, small as plums, would win no blue ribbons. But in your hands 
they tremble and fill with song like plump, white birds." - Cecilia Llompart

Yes, today I've decided to talk/write about breasts. I know many girls out there have insecurities, and we often compare ourselves to superstars, models and that-very-popular-girl-in-school-who-has-the-perfect-face-perfect-body-perfect-life-perfect-everything. I used to wish I had bigger breast, a nicer ass, model-tall with Blake Lively's beautiful legs. But I think there's zero shame in having small breasts.

Breasts are breasts, they are beautiful otherwise. Maybe sometimes I do compare my body to someone else's, and there will be days I don't feel good about my body. I'm really short, I have chicken legs, I hate my face, I have no ass, I have no boobs either and my hair sucks. But I think if you can make peace with your own flaws (in this case, your small breasts), you'll feel much more comfortable about yourself, you'll be able to appreciate your body. I mean, look at Kate Moss: small boobs = she's rockin' it + still beautifulgorgeoussexy + the top supermodel.

On the bright side, us girls with small boobies are proven to have a larger advantage in bed. Our breasts have less fatty tissues, thus easier to stimulate during foreplay. Small breasts also make us look younger because our flat, perky chest will not sag! We'll have no saggy boobs, which is awesome. AND we can rock button down shirts. We won't have our bewbs busting out of our shirts/tops. Not to forget, we have better posture, we can go anywhere with no bra and we definitely look so much better in bikinis, halters, off-shoulders, tube and crop tops.

I know they say life is like a beauty contest. Nonetheless, learn to love yourself and enjoy the three-months long of summer holidays. Because I know I will, a well deserved break with my crop tops, sheer-see-through tops and high-waist shorts XOXO :)