23 June 2014

Melancholy minus its charm

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." - Laurell K. Hamilton


I waste at least an hour everyday lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll shatter. It feels like nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Something's drowning me. It's like waking up into a nightmare. I feel lost, so broken inside. I'm struggling to stay alive.

It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be happy again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling. But when I feel it deeply, I don't want to let it go. It becomes a comfort. I guess it's not all that bad. So it seems.

There just isn't a single strong emotion inside me. I see the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed. I'd lost my place in the universe. And I wonder if it's worth it to fight for as long as I live.

14 June 2014

Outside in

Am I lost or completely free?


Life hasn't been easy for me. I never ever thought moving away was this difficult to take in. I find myself crying myself to sleep sometimes, wishing I had never left. I feel so alone. I sometimes feel like I've lost my will to live, my soul just wandering around. I'm trying to pick myself back up, but it ain't as easy as it seems to be. Because I'm already torn apart.

I wish I could be heard. But nobody will ever understand what it feels like to leave unwillingly. I have no one. No one understands. So I cry. Because all I can do is cry. Useless and pathetic. Crushing inside. Everything is just falling apart.

4 June 2014

Shattered

Watched him go; I had to let him go. He left, he left me, again. And I have been crying ever since. I miss him already. I miss his warm hugs, his beautiful smile, I just miss everything about him. The most painful thing is I don't know when will I see him again. Distance is f-ing killing me.