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Showing posts from 2014


Before the year ends, I just want to say a few things. This year indeed has been a tough/rough year for me, but I want to thank God for everything He has done for me. I know almost everything was taken away from me, I was so broken to the point that I was left with almost nothing. But I was blessed with  little things like awesome results and a great summer job. It feels like everything is coming altogether again.
Not only that, but my relationship with Hsiang is also getting from bad to good, which I hope we will be able to maintain a good relationship with each other. I'm so grateful for what God has been doing/done for me. I know I'm not perfect, I make tonnes of mistakes, and even when I'm stripped off and left with nothing, I know things'll get better eventually. Thank you God, for always being there for me.
I'm hoping for another great year. I'm hoping for a speedy, smooth-sailing year. I'm hoping God will always be with me, and will guide me through…

Shards of the past

"As the year comes to an end, don't look back at yesterday's disappointment." - Buky Ojelabi

I can't believe this year is about to end. Time really does fly. I have been here for almost a year now. How things have changed. Though I didn't have the best time this year. It was one of the shittiest/crappiest year I have ever had (I think). But at the same time, this year has took me out of my comfort zone and brought me up to a whole new level. I grew so much, I learnt how to handle tough times and I "broke free".
This year I've gone through so much heartache and pain. I left my whole life behind and it felt like I had nothing left. It was difficult, but I got myself to snap out of it and look at it like it was a chance to start all over again, and make less mistakes/try to do everything right this time. I'm still getting a hang of it, I still do get sad sometimes, but I'm doing pretty good. I try to be optimistic about everything/anything…


"To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room." - Marc Hack 
Button shirt: Supré | Crop top: Supré | Shorts: Supré | Necklace: Forever 21 | Bracelet: Thomas Sabo | Garter: ASOS
Why do we have to feel pain? Why do we feel more pain than love/happiness? Why do we remember more of the bad than the good? Why is it so hard to forgive and forget? Why is it so difficult to trust? Why does it hurt to let go and move on? Why am I such an emotional wreck?

I never asked to be this emotional. I cannot recall a moment I was not emotional about something, or anything. I was always like this. I always felt "something more" than a normal person should feel. I often feel the need to pour "something" out of my body/myself. I run away from things, I avoid my problems and I can…


Sometimes I wish you knew how much pain you've put me through. I wish this pain would go away. Because I don't think I deserve to go through this much of pain. I just want to be loved, and to feel loved. But I don't have that anymore. I have given my all, it feels like there's nothing else to give. I just wish you would understand, instead of turning a deaf ear. This pain is killing me right there, in the heart. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. Maybe one day it'll all be over; maybe one day my time will come to an end, which I pray is soon. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. I want it all to disappear.

The Heart Wants What It Wants

"Who hasn't been trapped in a relationship with someone who only hurts and ignores you? Who hasn't felt the pain of loving someone who constantly lies to you and plays mind games?

Sometimes relationship devolve into these sad, troubled cycles that we can't break free of – no matter how much we want to. It feels like you don't want it anymore, but you still do."

What it's like to be skinny

I'm skinny. I'm five feet one and I weight about thirty-nine kilos. I have never ever reached forty kilos before. Maybe I have, but just once. I'm a US size two, my waist is about twenty-three/four inches and my shoe size is size five. But guess what? I hate being this skinny. It sucks.
Crop top: H&M | High-waist shorts: Cotton On | Shoes: Vintage | Bag: H&M | Body chain: ASOS
I've read many posts about girls dissing and commenting about skinny girls like me. How we skinny girls are the "prettier/more good-looking" ones, that we have so much "self-confidence" and we always "get the guys". I heard we get to dress pretty because all clothes; anything and everything look good on us, that only skinny girls get to be "models" and every girl in the world wants to be/look like us. Us skinny girls make non-skinny girls look bad. But you girls don't know what it's like to be skinny. I am skinny and I hate it so freaking mu…

Curiouser and curiouser

Hsiang and I have been together since high school. We went to college together, and we are now almost into our third year of long-distance relationship. He's in the states and I just migrated to Australia. We are living 9,429 miles apart, with a huge time difference of 15-17 hours.

A long-distance relationship is an intimate relationship that takes place when couples are separated by a considerable distance. LDR is not living in the same state (I'm making a comparison based on where I was from, which is a really small country), and going to different schools/colleges/universities. LDR is living miles apart and separated by time. LDR is not taking the next car/bus/train ride to see each other. LDR is having to sit hours on a plane to be with each other, and it is the only mode of transport you have. LDR is not knowing when is the next time you'll see each other again. LDR is having to depend on texting/WhatsApp/FaceTime/Skype to communicate with each other.
Being one of th…

Got lost in it

"Hung my head, as I lost the war and the sky turned black like a perfect storm. The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing."

This is my fav picture of us. I was going through his Dropbox (he told me I could log in anytime I like to look at pictures of us) and found this. I also came across some stuffs I wish I could unsee. Please don't mind me, when I'm crying I tend to write stuffs that doesn't make sense.
I hate feeling like this. It feels like being torn apart. I'm already trying to be so strong. I try to forget stupid little things that upsets me. I've been trying to "switch off". I keep telling myself to be patient, to trust him and have faith. But how can I? We are miles apart, our relationship is so unstable. He has hid things from me, and I don't know if he still is. Is this what LDR really is like? It really hurts so much.
The truth does hurt. Because the truth is the truth. It shatters our heart. Someti…

Being a Christian

I came across an article recently titled 'Being A Christian Doesn't Always Look Like You Think It Should', written by Preston Sprinkle. A friend shared it on Facebook and it caught my attention. I did a quick read on it, and I thought HEY, I'd really like to have a say in it too.
Well, I am a Christian. I've always been a Christian. I was born a Christian, taught to be one and brought up to "act" like one. I go to church every Sunday. I sort of read the Bible, and yes, I said sort of. I enjoy praise and worship sessions a lot, though I don't really pay any attention on what is being preached, unless it's about things I can relate to. And I pray. Did I also mention that I've already been baptised?
I grew up learning stuffs like, be kind to your neighbour, do not lie, do not steal, do not cheat, do not kill, do not commit adultery (even though I had no idea what adultery meant until I was old enough to know what sex was), no sex before marriage…

Small beautiful breasts

"I know my breasts, small as plums, would win no blue ribbons. But in your hands  they tremble and fill with song like plump, white birds." - Cecilia Llompart

Yes, today I've decided to talk/write about breasts. I know many girls out there have insecurities, and we often compare ourselves to superstars, models and that-very-popular-girl-in-school-who-has-the-perfect-face-perfect-body-perfect-life-perfect-everything. I used to wish I had bigger breast, a nicer ass, model-tall with Blake Lively's beautiful legs. But I think there's zero shame in having small breasts.

Breasts are breasts, they are beautiful otherwise. Maybe sometimes I do compare my body to someone else's, and there will be days I don't feel good about my body. I'm really short, I have chicken legs, I hate my face, I have no ass, I have no boobs either and my hair sucks. But I think if you can make peace with your own flaws (in this case, your small breasts), you'll feel much more c…

The future switch

"Then I realised, they didn't changed, I changed. It happened when I lifted  the veil clouding my mind and saw the truth surrounding me." - L. M. Fields 

There will be a point in our lives that will hit us hard in the face. This was one of my wake up call. I found it while I was cleaning up my mail. I remember reading this long-ass e-mail from my mother. I didn't expect this from her at all. I barely talked to her while I was busy with my internship. Every single time she called, I'd ignore it and tell her that I'd talk to her another day. So when I got this e-mail, I read and cried so much. I realised I was so caught up in having the time of my life. I was out a lot, I spent lots of money. I didn't give a care at all. 
I guess what made me teared was she mentioned about me becoming an adult, reaching the legal age. I asked myself, WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING? I had so many things to think and worry about. But I was just running away from doing that. I was…

Made to be broken

I keep telling myself I'll be okay, but I know my heart will never be the same.

I never knew this would hurt so much. Imagine this. I was in class, listening to my tutor. It suddenly hit me. In my head, it was all quiet. All I could hear was my heart beating really fast, but it wasn't beating like it always does. It was more like beating and shattering at the same time. I froze for a little while. I didn't know what was going on, why was my heart beating that way. My eyes became cloudy and I wanted to just cry right there. I told myself, why not just wait until I got home and I can cry until the week is over. There was just too much pain. I'm not going to lie to you, but I got home and I cried my ass off. I'm still crying right now. I cannot stop. I don't know why. It's just so painful.
I woke up yesterday feeling all right. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I just went on with my daily stuffs. I had a job interview. I didn't eat much thoug…

In darkness

"Time takes it all whether you want it or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness.  Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again." - Stephen King

I can't stop crying. I'm shivering. I feel so cold. It feels like my heart has been stabbed like a million times. My eyes are so swollen from all the crying. I just feel like running away. I feel like leaving this horrible place. It feels like I've just lost that very last bit of hope in my life. I have just lost everything. I feel sad. I feel so ashamed. I feel like I don't deserve this life anymore. I feel like I've lost myself to the darkness. I never thought I'd feel this way again. I feel so much pain. My heart feels like it's been ripped out again and again. It feels like it's being stabbed and shredded into millions of pieces. And here I am. Just staring at my heart. Not knowing what to do with it. Whether I should…

Broken beyond repair

Do you ever feel like giving up? I do. I feel it everyday. I've been feeling it more and more each day. Not that I want to, but that thought just come through my mind. I can't sleep, I hardly eat right. I just feel so broken inside. I guess this is what depression is really like. It's just shit.

The only reason why I'm not giving up is because I feel like I've already gotten this far in life. It'd be a waste to give up just like that. Though I know nobody will miss me, no one will care. So I get up everyday. I put on a smile on my face. I start the day thinking it'll be a good day. But before I go to bed, I'd tell myself I don't want to wake up to see tomorrow. I sleep with tears in my eyes and a troubled heart.

End of the lane

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol
Sheer lace shirt: October Origin Malaysia | Babydoll dress: Topshop
Hey guys. I know I've been gone for a while. I haven't been updating my blog. I've just been really busy with uni life. Yes, for those who didn't know, I started uni last month. It's really just been so crazy. Got so much to do, with so little time. But uni life is good, even though I'm having a little trouble making friends. Otherwise, it is all good. Just hoping that this four years in uni will be good to me. Hoping big! :)
So, I've been really caught up with my studies lately. My friends back in Malaysia are all like, "Wah Jo, since when you so hard-working?", "SO ASIAN ALREADY LAH YOU" and "Go Aussie, become kiasu". And what do I say to all this? Well, yes I've changed. I've changed a lot since I got here. Before I started uni, I told myself…

I am not sad

"She awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day her heart would descend from her chest into her stomach. By early afternoon, she was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for her, and by the desire to be alone. By evening, she was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of her grief, alone in her aimless guilt, alone even in her loneliness. I am not sad, she would repeat to herself over and over, I am not sad. As if she might one day convince herself. Or convince others. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because her life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. She would fall asleep with her heart at the foot of her bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of her at all. And each morning, she would wake with it again in the cupboard of her rib cage, having become a …

Why your 20s are actually the best time to be in a long-distance relationship

When unfamiliar people learn about my boyfriend, they usually respond with shock, confusion and a laundry list of questions. No, I'm not dating an ex-con and no, he's not related to me.
I'm simply in a long-distance relationship.
By long distance, I mean really, really long distance - like, across the Atlantic Ocean, nonstop flight from JFK to London Heathrow long distance.
Although the situation is clearly neither the norm nor the ideal, I'm still amazed by the utter disbelief I encounter when I share the details of my romantic life.
Many people fail to understand why I'm wasting my glory years - my 20s - with a guy whom I barely see.
They can't seem to fathom a relationship based on verbal communication rather than physical stimulation. They doubt the future of our relationship and our ability to stay faithful to one another.
Yes, I'll admit, it's really hard to date somebody almost exclusively over Skype.
I often experience experience deep sadness wh…

You're just a boy

"But you're just a boy. You don't understand how it feels to love a girl. You don't listen to her, you don't care how it hurts. Until you lose the one you wanted, cause you're taking her for granted and everything you had got destroyed. Cause you're just a boy."

I am free

This world ain't exactly what my heart expected. Just trying to find my way someway. Maybe something's wrong with me. But at least I am free, I am free...

By the River Piedra I sat down and wept

Are we suffering for a love that's not worth it?

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him."

The Notebook

"Every great love starts with a great story..."


The Queens

Melancholy minus its charm

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." - Laurell K. Hamilton

I waste at least an hour everyday lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll shatter. It feels like nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Something's drowning me. It's like waking up into a nightmare. I feel lost, so broken inside. I'm struggling to stay alive.
It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be happy again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling. But when I feel it deeply, I don't want to let it go. It becomes a comfort. I guess it's not all that bad. So it seems.
There just isn't a single strong emotion inside me. I see the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed. I'd lost my place in the universe. And I wonder if it's wo…

Outside in

Am I lost or completely free?

Life hasn't been easy for me. I never ever thought moving away was this difficult to take in. I find myself crying myself to sleep sometimes, wishing I had never left. I feel so alone. I sometimes feel like I've lost my will to live, my soul just wandering around. I'm trying to pick myself back up, but it ain't as easy as it seems to be. Because I'm already torn apart.
I wish I could be heard. But nobody will ever understand what it feels like to leave unwillingly. I have no one. No one understands. So I cry. Because all I can do is cry. Useless and pathetic. Crushing inside. Everything is just falling apart.


Watched him go; I had to let him go. He left, he left me, again. And I have been crying ever since. I miss him already. I miss his warm hugs, his beautiful smile, I just miss everything about him. The most painful thing is I don't know when will I see him again. Distance is f-ing killing me.

It feels like

My heart aches in my chest, the pain pulsing throughout my body. I feel empty, like a small part of me has gone missing. I've never needed someone the way I need you, I've never had a love taken away from me by distance. It doesn't feel the same when you tell me you love me over the phone, the peacefulness of those words doesn't floor me from thousand of miles away, instead they become warped into an intense kind of pain. I don't hear the inflections in your voice, the breathlessness you always get when you speak those words. 
Do you know how does it feel when you aren't there to make my tears go away with one embrace?

All I want

But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?
"All I want is nothing more to hear you knocking at my door. Cause if I could see your face once more, I could die a happy woman I'm sure. When you said you last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone, without you by my side. So you brought out the best of me, a part of me I'd never seen. You took my soul and wiped it clean, our love was made for movie screens. But if you loved me, why'd you leave me? Take my body, take my body. All I want is, and all I need is to find somebody; somebody like you."


"If we don't care, we can't get hurt. But if we didn't care, the world would be a dark place to live. We have to deal with it and realize life isn't fair. People are taken out of our lives, and others live who don't deserve to continue."

I want to be a mermaid


Sneak peek: My room

My 'princess' shelf. I've been eyeing on this shelf for almost a year. I was so freaking happy I got my hands on it (it's from IKEA btw). It's just so simple and has this princessy look. I know it still looks pretty empty. Need to get more stuffs to fill up the empty spaces; pretty, colourful, red stuffs. But I'm really happy with this shelf. Lala-love it, one of my fav.

Thank goodness for this mirror. I didn't like it at first, but after I saw the inside of this thing, I was quite happy. It's enough to store all my necklaces, earrings, bracelets and hair accessories. Neat and tidy. This mirror is a life-space saver.

My absolute fav thing in my room. My Paul Villinski-inspired, Serena van der Woodsen's butterfly wall art. I did with just a pair of scissors, lots of black paper, some glue and it took me an awful full two hours to stick them up. I know it isn't perfect and it doesn't look like how it's suppose to, but it's good enough…