31 December 2014

Thankful


Before the year ends, I just want to say a few things. This year indeed has been a tough/rough year for me, but I want to thank God for everything He has done for me. I know almost everything was taken away from me, I was so broken to the point that I was left with almost nothing. But I was blessed with  little things like awesome results and a great summer job. It feels like everything is coming altogether again.

Not only that, but my relationship with Hsiang is also getting from bad to good, which I hope we will be able to maintain a good relationship with each other. I'm so grateful for what God has been doing/done for me. I know I'm not perfect, I make tonnes of mistakes, and even when I'm stripped off and left with nothing, I know things'll get better eventually. Thank you God, for always being there for me.

I'm hoping for another great year. I'm hoping for a speedy, smooth-sailing year. I'm hoping God will always be with me, and will guide me through hard times. & Hsiang, I love you. Thank you for being so patient with me, and never giving up on me. Cheers to another year! :) <3

30 December 2014

Shards of the past

"As the year comes to an end, don't look back at yesterday's disappointment." - Buky Ojelabi


I can't believe this year is about to end. Time really does fly. I have been here for almost a year now. How things have changed. Though I didn't have the best time this year. It was one of the shittiest/crappiest year I have ever had (I think). But at the same time, this year has took me out of my comfort zone and brought me up to a whole new level. I grew so much, I learnt how to handle tough times and I "broke free".

This year I've gone through so much heartache and pain. I left my whole life behind and it felt like I had nothing left. It was difficult, but I got myself to snap out of it and look at it like it was a chance to start all over again, and make less mistakes/try to do everything right this time. I'm still getting a hang of it, I still do get sad sometimes, but I'm doing pretty good. I try to be optimistic about everything/anything :).

I'm hoping to keep this "feel" up. I'm starting to love life here more and more each day. My future is becoming more clear; I'm beginning to know what I want in life, and how to get them. Well yes, I do feel like I'm maturing. It feels like I've finally cut ties with my childish/immature self. Wtf, I'm turning twenty-two in less than a month. So I SHOULD be acting my age, really. Which I think I am lol?

Anyways, I'm not going to make any resolutions for next year, or maybe not anymore. Because I end up accomplishing nothing at the end of the year. So why should I waste my time coming up with a list of the impossible things I cannot/will not do? I shall just stick to achieving my dreams. Just got to push myself to study real hard, do what I love to do, love myself and be happy. That's bout it. Have a great NY guys! XX

p/s: Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.

20 December 2014

Wrecked

"To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room." - Marc Hack 

Button shirt: Supré | Crop top: Supré | Shorts: Supré | Necklace: Forever 21 | Bracelet: Thomas Sabo | Garter: ASOS

Why do we have to feel pain? Why do we feel more pain than love/happiness? Why do we remember more of the bad than the good? Why is it so hard to forgive and forget? Why is it so difficult to trust? Why does it hurt to let go and move on? Why am I such an emotional wreck?

I never asked to be this emotional. I cannot recall a moment I was not emotional about something, or anything. I was always like this. I always felt "something more" than a normal person should feel. I often feel the need to pour "something" out of my body/myself. I run away from things, I avoid my problems and I can go for days/weeks crying about them. I let emotions take over my body, I fill myself with so much sadness, and I let it all go by drowning myself in my own tears. I can't remember how feeling/being happy feels like; not anymore.

Maybe one day I will. I hope that day will come. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to run away to a place where I can find peace. I want to start all over again if I had the chance to. I just want to be happy and loved. That's all I'm asking for: happiness.

9 December 2014

Untitled

Sometimes I wish you knew how much pain you've put me through. I wish this pain would go away. Because I don't think I deserve to go through this much of pain. I just want to be loved, and to feel loved. But I don't have that anymore. I have given my all, it feels like there's nothing else to give. I just wish you would understand, instead of turning a deaf ear. This pain is killing me right there, in the heart. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. Maybe one day it'll all be over; maybe one day my time will come to an end, which I pray is soon. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. I want it all to disappear.

24 November 2014

The Heart Wants What It Wants

"Who hasn't been trapped in a relationship with someone who only hurts and ignores you? Who hasn't felt the pain of loving someone who constantly lies to you and plays mind games?


Sometimes relationship devolve into these sad, troubled cycles that we can't break free of – no matter how much we want to. It feels like you don't want it anymore, but you still do."

19 November 2014

What it's like to be skinny

I'm skinny. I'm five feet one and I weight about thirty-nine kilos. I have never ever reached forty kilos before. Maybe I have, but just once. I'm a US size two, my waist is about twenty-three/four inches and my shoe size is size five. But guess what? I hate being this skinny. It sucks.

Crop top: H&M | High-waist shorts: Cotton On | Shoes: Vintage | Bag: H&M | Body chain: ASOS

I've read many posts about girls dissing and commenting about skinny girls like me. How we skinny girls are the "prettier/more good-looking" ones, that we have so much "self-confidence" and we always "get the guys". I heard we get to dress pretty because all clothes; anything and everything look good on us, that only skinny girls get to be "models" and every girl in the world wants to be/look like us. Us skinny girls make non-skinny girls look bad. But you girls don't know what it's like to be skinny. I am skinny and I hate it so freaking much.

I never asked to be this skinny. I have been skinny all my life. I have tried many ways to look normal. I want to be able to wear normal-sized clothes, not shop at the kids section. You have no idea what it's like to walk into a store and you see something you like, you try it on, hoping that it'd fit, but it doesn't fit because you're too skinny. And guess what? It's the smallest size they have. It happens all the bloody time. I love shopping, but I always end up going home feeling terrible about myself because I was too thin/skinny for that top, that skirt and that jeans.

I eat like a normal person, I don't starve myself and puke all over the toilet bowl. I eat breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and supper. I told you, I eat like a normal person would. But I'm always accused of having an eating disorder that I do not have, and I hate it. I hate it too when people tell me I don't eat enough, or I look pale/sick/malnourished. I'm also often compared to a twig or a chopstick, called a "bag of bones" and get jokes like "Hey Jo, you sure you can carry that?" - bloody hell, it's just a pot. I'm always told to have a real meal, to stop starving myself and to gain some weight. I have people acting all shocked when they see me eating or going for a second/third round of food.

Being skinny isn't everything. I've seen many posts of people comparing skinny girls to larger girls, it always ends up with skinny girls getting trashed and called repulsive, while the larger girls get called a real woman/true beauty. You have no idea what skinny girls like myself go through. I'm not saying non-skinny girls don't go through any shit, I know you girls do too. But it isn't fair; just because we are skinny means we are bad role models, we get trashed/critised, and talked about. People are people. We all have feelings. Just remember that.

17 November 2014

Curiouser and curiouser

Hsiang and I have been together since high school. We went to college together, and we are now almost into our third year of long-distance relationship. He's in the states and I just migrated to Australia. We are living 9,429 miles apart, with a huge time difference of 15-17 hours.


A long-distance relationship is an intimate relationship that takes place when couples are separated by a considerable distance. LDR is not living in the same state (I'm making a comparison based on where I was from, which is a really small country), and going to different schools/colleges/universities. LDR is living miles apart and separated by time. LDR is not taking the next car/bus/train ride to see each other. LDR is having to sit hours on a plane to be with each other, and it is the only mode of transport you have. LDR is not knowing when is the next time you'll see each other again. LDR is having to depend on texting/WhatsApp/FaceTime/Skype to communicate with each other.

Being one of the very few couples being in a LDR, I sometimes get really ridiculous or some "I-know-it's-a-painful-question, but-I'm-going-to-ask-anyway #lol #sorrynotsorry" kind of questions from my friends and family members. Some questions asked are really like IN YOUR FACE, some really ends up with me all soaked up in tears and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I'd usually suck it up when I answer these few questions. I'd sometimes lie and pretend like things are alright/going to be fine, but I'm going to be really honest this time. These are my thoughts/answers to some of your questions I always wish I could give to all of you. These are the few common ones.

Do you miss him?

Hurmmm hmm mm. What do you think? I don't know. Isn't it obvious? *laughs sarcastically* Do you really want to know if I miss him or not? Well, of course I do?! I mean, you get to see your boyfriend/girlfriend every other day/week, and you still do miss him/her. Don't you?!

When will you be seeing each other again? 
Is he going to Australia to see you? 
Are you going over to see him?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. So far we have nothing planned yet. We have zero plans of going over here or there to see each other. We do want to see each other, but we are so caught up with our own lives and stuffs. However, I cannot wait till I get to see him again.

Is long-distance relationship THAT difficult?
Why do you still do it?
How do you do it?

I don't know really. LDR is fucking hard. I mean, who in the right mind would actually want to sacrifice so much/everything for a LDR that you don't know if  it will end up being a successful relationship or not, shed lots of tears, and have your heart broken over and over? There is just so much pain to go through. I swear, nobody should ever consider having a LDR. So why did I sign up for all this shit? I guess I did it because I love him. He's my first love, and eventually he grew to become my best friend. I always believe that one day we would be together. We'd have a family and cute kids. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Because I do truly love him. That's why I signed up for this experience in hell. Love makes us do stupid things. This is the one stupid thing I did/am doing, and it's all for love. My love for him.

How do I do it? Lots and lots of patience. If he does something that makes you sad, be patient with him. If he does something stupid, be patient with him. If he pushes you away, be patient with him. Trust him with all your heart - or at least pretend to trust him like how I do (p/s: because I have major trust issues). Try your best to make him happy. Make him laugh. Give him space, give him all the space he needs/wants, which is a whole lot of it. Respect him. Argue and fight less, even though sometimes it's difficult to. Always be there for him when he needs you; listen to him, talk to him and lend him a virtual shoulder to lean on. Most important of all: never ever stop loving him.

What is going to happen next? 
Is he going over to Australia? 
Are you going to the states to be with him?

This has got to be everyone's favourite. I think everyone has asked me this before, or not many times. If you really must know, Hsiang and I have been talking about it for some time now. We've talked about where our relationship is heading, whether we were going to have a future together or not and what we both really want. I mean, all this isn't easy. Both of us have things we really want in life, and it's so difficult to be on the same page. We still need lots of time to think it through. This is a big decision for us to make. We do want each other in our lives. Well, I know I do. I want to spend my entire life with him, I want to watch him grow old, I spend all my time loving him and taking care of him. But I don't know what the future has in store for us. Though I wish I knew, 'cos I'm terrified of the future. The future really scares me.

When are you guys getting married?
Are you guys EVER getting married?

Just because we have been with each other for almost nine years doesn't mean we have to get married soon/ASAP. I know I want to be married (you have no idea how much I want to be married; it would be like a dream come true if I do ever marry ahh bliss) and have four adorable kids: two boys, two girls. In my head, I have already planned out almost my entire wedding. I even have names for my kids, for heaven's sake! But I don't know when we will marry or if we will even marry each other lol. However, a girl can dream. I can dream. I will always dream. And don't worry though. You'll definitely get an invitation to the wedding of the year IF it ever happens lolol. Yes, I said if :).

11 November 2014

Got lost in it

"Hung my head, as I lost the war and the sky turned black like a perfect storm.
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing."


This is my fav picture of us. I was going through his Dropbox (he told me I could log in anytime I like to look at pictures of us) and found this. I also came across some stuffs I wish I could unsee. Please don't mind me, when I'm crying I tend to write stuffs that doesn't make sense.

I hate feeling like this. It feels like being torn apart. I'm already trying to be so strong. I try to forget stupid little things that upsets me. I've been trying to "switch off". I keep telling myself to be patient, to trust him and have faith. But how can I? We are miles apart, our relationship is so unstable. He has hid things from me, and I don't know if he still is. Is this what LDR really is like? It really hurts so much.

The truth does hurt. Because the truth is the truth. It shatters our heart. Sometimes when we are told of the truth, we'd wish we never knew of it. But the most pain you can ever feel is when you find out the truth, after being "lied" to. You won't be able to sleep, you cry, you don't know how to trust, but you have to pick yourself up and ask yourself these questions: should I live with this pain or should I just shake it off?

I told myself after days and days of crying myself to sleep, crying in the shower, crying when listening to sad, sad songs. I told myself to just shake it off. Just let it go, even though it's difficult to. Even if it kills you to do so. And things got better for me. I didn't think of it, I didn't talk about it (I tried not to) and nothing. I was happier. Until today, until just minutes ago. Here comes all the pain and waterworks. Fffuck.

5 November 2014

Being a Christian


I came across an article recently titled 'Being A Christian Doesn't Always Look Like You Think It Should', written by Preston Sprinkle. A friend shared it on Facebook and it caught my attention. I did a quick read on it, and I thought HEY, I'd really like to have a say in it too.

Well, I am a Christian. I've always been a Christian. I was born a Christian, taught to be one and brought up to "act" like one. I go to church every Sunday. I sort of read the Bible, and yes, I said sort of. I enjoy praise and worship sessions a lot, though I don't really pay any attention on what is being preached, unless it's about things I can relate to. And I pray. Did I also mention that I've already been baptised?

I grew up learning stuffs like, be kind to your neighbour, do not lie, do not steal, do not cheat, do not kill, do not commit adultery (even though I had no idea what adultery meant until I was old enough to know what sex was), no sex before marriage, no LGBT stuffs and basically everything a Christian would/should know from The Ten Commandments, the two Greatest Commandment and the Holy Bible.

However, as I grew older I had "questions". Are Christians allowed to smoke? Because the Bible said 'the body is a temple of the Holy Spirit' and I was aware that no harm should be done to our bodies. The biggest question I had was when I went for a Hillsong concert, and I saw the lead singer, he had a tattoo on his right arm. I was like, REALLY? I started asking more and more questions. Note that I had three piercings on my left ear, got my belly pierced and I was very much into tattoos, but I was taught that tattoos are a big no-no. So imagine my reaction when I saw the lead singer with a dragon tattoo. I had so many questions, nobody could answer. All I got was, tattoos are really bad.

I even got lectured by this dude in church, who had a tattoo on the back of his neck, after silly me posted a Facebook status saying I wanted to get a tattoo like right now. He told me how Christianity changed him, that getting a tattoo was no good, I'd regret it, disobey God and his plans to laser it off to show God he loves Him. Of course, at that time, I was still just a kid and I was like k whatever dude. I let that go, I still had so many questions to ask, but I never got THE right answer. All I got was the same that's not right; don't; Christians shouldn't do that.

So I grew up with my own set of rules. If you want to be treated right, treat people the same way you want them to treat you. Appreciate what you have. Gays? Lesbians? Bisexuals? Who cares? They are still people, they shouldn't be treated differently. Sex before marriage? Honestly, that is all up to you, how you see things, but of course it's better to save it for "the one". Well, I can't say much. Because I believe in soul mates and true love. Lies, are lies. White lies are lies. Steal, cheat, kill and adultery? If you know what is right, is right and what is wrong, is wrong. It's all up to you to make a decision based on all that. I won't judge, I'm not here to judge, but remember.............. God will.

Tattoos? Why not? Piercings does the same thing as tattoos does to your body. If we weren't allowed to go for tattoos, then why are we allowed to pierce our ears? If we, as Christians shouldn't smoke, then why drink? Drink, but don't get drunk is still drinking. I'd always ask these questions, especially about tattoos vs piercings. I've asked my mother before, she herself couldn't give me an answer to that. LULZ.

My point is: doing these things doesn't or SHOULDN'T make you any less of a Christian. Unless of course, you're a fake. Praise God, praise God, act all innocent and holy, but outside the church, you're something else. I mean, as long as you don't fake it. I've seen a lot of fakers, and I know a lot of fakers. These fakers are the ones that make me and everyone else who isn't a Christian, question Christianity. But I believe in God, I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I want to be good to others too. I want to make the world a better place. I want to give people hope. I want my loved ones to be saved by the grace of God. So shouldn't just all of these matter, as a Christian? Um yes.

p/s: Mum, if you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you'll be upset and you'll smack me with a Bible, and drown me with Holy water. You'll probably pray for my salvation and ask the pastors (I said pastors) to talk to me. Sorry, and I love you <3

4 November 2014

Small beautiful breasts

"I know my breasts, small as plums, would win no blue ribbons. But in your hands 
they tremble and fill with song like plump, white birds." - Cecilia Llompart


Yes, today I've decided to talk/write about breasts. I know many girls out there have insecurities, and we often compare ourselves to superstars, models and that-very-popular-girl-in-school-who-has-the-perfect-face-perfect-body-perfect-life-perfect-everything. I used to wish I had bigger breast, a nicer ass, model-tall with Blake Lively's beautiful legs. But I think there's zero shame in having small breasts.

Breasts are breasts, they are beautiful otherwise. Maybe sometimes I do compare my body to someone else's, and there will be days I don't feel good about my body. I'm really short, I have chicken legs, I hate my face, I have no ass, I have no boobs either and my hair sucks. But I think if you can make peace with your own flaws (in this case, your small breasts), you'll feel much more comfortable about yourself, you'll be able to appreciate your body. I mean, look at Kate Moss: small boobs = she's rockin' it + still beautifulgorgeoussexy + the top supermodel.

On the bright side, us girls with small boobies are proven to have a larger advantage in bed. Our breasts have less fatty tissues, thus easier to stimulate during foreplay. Small breasts also make us look younger because our flat, perky chest will not sag! We'll have no saggy boobs, which is awesome. AND we can rock button down shirts. We won't have our bewbs busting out of our shirts/tops. Not to forget, we have better posture, we can go anywhere with no bra and we definitely look so much better in bikinis, halters, off-shoulders, tube and crop tops.

I know they say life is like a beauty contest. Nonetheless, learn to love yourself and enjoy the three-months long of summer holidays. Because I know I will, a well deserved break with my crop tops, sheer-see-through tops and high-waist shorts XOXO :)

27 October 2014

The future switch

"Then I realised, they didn't changed, I changed. It happened when I lifted 
the veil clouding my mind and saw the truth surrounding me." - L. M. Fields 


There will be a point in our lives that will hit us hard in the face. This was one of my wake up call. I found it while I was cleaning up my mail. I remember reading this long-ass e-mail from my mother. I didn't expect this from her at all. I barely talked to her while I was busy with my internship. Every single time she called, I'd ignore it and tell her that I'd talk to her another day. So when I got this e-mail, I read and cried so much. I realised I was so caught up in having the time of my life. I was out a lot, I spent lots of money. I didn't give a care at all. 

I guess what made me teared was she mentioned about me becoming an adult, reaching the legal age. I asked myself, WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING? I had so many things to think and worry about. But I was just running away from doing that. I was afraid of growing up. I was so scared of making decisions. I didn't want to make decisions because, what if I don't like the decisions I made? What if one day I wake up asking myself, what have I gotten myself into? There's no turning back. Sure, there are second chances in life, but mistakes are mistakes.

We will all come to a point where we will regret decisions we've made for ourselves. And I just didn't want to go through that. But I realised, sooner or later I'd still have to decide. Doing nothing for almost a year had changed me so much. I'm still afraid of what's in for me in the future, but I've learned to accept the fact that I can never run away from making decisions and mistakes. But I'll always have second chances to try to make things right. The future is scary. But you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. It's tempting. But it's a mistake.

p/s: The future can be a scary thing. Because it's something that's always left open for anything to happen. It's a total mystery. But at the same time, it's so exciting. Each decision we make can alter how our future will turn out, so how we end up in the future is really our decision. We never know what will be thrown at us, but it's up to each of us as to how we deal with whatever does come. No one else can decide that for us. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

23 October 2014

Made to be broken

I keep telling myself I'll be okay, but I know my heart will never be the same.


I never knew this would hurt so much. Imagine this. I was in class, listening to my tutor. It suddenly hit me. In my head, it was all quiet. All I could hear was my heart beating really fast, but it wasn't beating like it always does. It was more like beating and shattering at the same time. I froze for a little while. I didn't know what was going on, why was my heart beating that way. My eyes became cloudy and I wanted to just cry right there. I told myself, why not just wait until I got home and I can cry until the week is over. There was just too much pain. I'm not going to lie to you, but I got home and I cried my ass off. I'm still crying right now. I cannot stop. I don't know why. It's just so painful.

I woke up yesterday feeling all right. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I just went on with my daily stuffs. I had a job interview. I didn't eat much though, but the day ended fairly well. But today, I got up and it really hit me. I've lost everything. I've lost him. I cannot convince him anymore to stay. I don't have the will to do it anymore. I just lost my hope. I just lost my dream, my happiness. It hit me real hard: Why am I here for then? All my life, all I've ever wanted was to be with the man I truly love. Love to me was my dream. It was the key to my happiness. But I don't have that anymore. I'm slowly losing myself. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I'm losing everything.

You took my family away. I was fine with it. I grew to be more independent. I learned how to be on my own, not entirely but most of the time I was standing on my own two feet. You took away my home, I accepted it. I learned to live in a world I will never consider home. I'm like a soul lost without its body. You took away my friends. I hated it at first, but what could I do? I grew lonely. I had nobody to talk to. I spent most of time doing things I never did before, but did it alone. I'm all alone. All I had was him. And now you have to take him away too? I feel so much more alone than I ever was before. Sure, I have a new home. But face it, this is not home at all. Sure, I'm back with my family. But really? This is what you call a family? Life here isn't as easy as it was back home. My whole life... is fucking broken, everything is.

All I have, is nothing. Here I am, writing all my thoughts into this blog. I have no one to talk to. I'm only left with myself. I don't need your pity or your sympathy. I just want my happiness. But that's all gone now. I will never be happy anymore. Even if I tried, I know I won't. Because if whatever I felt today, I know I will feel it again. The pain is real, you know. It is the pain of a broken heart. Glass shattering.

21 October 2014

In darkness

"Time takes it all whether you want it or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. 
Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again." - Stephen King


I can't stop crying. I'm shivering. I feel so cold. It feels like my heart has been stabbed like a million times. My eyes are so swollen from all the crying. I just feel like running away. I feel like leaving this horrible place. It feels like I've just lost that very last bit of hope in my life. I have just lost everything. I feel sad. I feel so ashamed. I feel like I don't deserve this life anymore. I feel like I've lost myself to the darkness. I never thought I'd feel this way again. I feel so much pain. My heart feels like it's been ripped out again and again. It feels like it's being stabbed and shredded into millions of pieces. And here I am. Just staring at my heart. Not knowing what to do with it. Whether I should pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together or just leave it scattered all over. My heart is aching. It will never ever stop aching.

But it's all my fault. I ruined everything we had. Because of that one big mistake I made. It was that one mistake that hurt you so much. I just wish you knew I never meant to do those things to you. It was never on purpose. I never should have blamed you for my mistakes. It was my mistake. I had a choice, but I had no control over my feelings. If I could turn back time, I would undo my mistakes. I was weak and I gave in. Because of that, I deserve all this. I guess I understand how you feel, how you have been feeling. I can never ever make you happy again. I can never make you trust me. I guess it's all not meant to be. You definitely deserve better. You deserve to be happy. And I don't deserve you.

I hope you will find someone who will make you happy. Someone who shares the same dreams as you. I hope she will make you be a better person, brings the best out of you. I know you said you're not going to fall in love again, but I pray you will. You deserve to be happy.

Though I wish I could make you happy. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. I will give you my all. I didn't sacrifice everything for you, for nothing. I sacrificed my all is because I loved you. I love you, Hsiang. I really do. It just hurts so much that I don't make you happy anymore. It hurts even more when you said that you came here and it felt like nothing. It wasn't fair to me that you stayed on with me, but had no more feelings for me. I'm so sorry for all the things I've done before. I just wish you knew how much I truly love you. I will always wait for you. No matter what, I will wait for you. I hope you know that. I hope I can stay strong for you. I will try. I love you.

If I ever do give up, I'm so sorry. But I have been having these thoughts ever since I got here. I just felt like I've already lost so much, that losing you would mean my life is worthless. And losing you was definitely the last straw. The answer to my endless thoughts. I'm so so sorry.

16 October 2014

Broken beyond repair


Do you ever feel like giving up? I do. I feel it everyday. I've been feeling it more and more each day. Not that I want to, but that thought just come through my mind. I can't sleep, I hardly eat right. I just feel so broken inside. I guess this is what depression is really like. It's just shit.

The only reason why I'm not giving up is because I feel like I've already gotten this far in life. It'd be a waste to give up just like that. Though I know nobody will miss me, no one will care. So I get up everyday. I put on a smile on my face. I start the day thinking it'll be a good day. But before I go to bed, I'd tell myself I don't want to wake up to see tomorrow. I sleep with tears in my eyes and a troubled heart. 

26 September 2014

End of the lane

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol

Sheer lace shirt: October Origin Malaysia | Babydoll dress: Topshop

Hey guys. I know I've been gone for a while. I haven't been updating my blog. I've just been really busy with uni life. Yes, for those who didn't know, I started uni last month. It's really just been so crazy. Got so much to do, with so little time. But uni life is good, even though I'm having a little trouble making friends. Otherwise, it is all good. Just hoping that this four years in uni will be good to me. Hoping big! :)

So, I've been really caught up with my studies lately. My friends back in Malaysia are all like, "Wah Jo, since when you so hard-working?", "SO ASIAN ALREADY LAH YOU" and "Go Aussie, become kiasu". And what do I say to all this? Well, yes I've changed. I've changed a lot since I got here. Before I started uni, I told myself that I'm going to put all my effort into this. I gotta be real serious this time. No going back, no giving up. No more changing my mind. I set my mind into this. The first week in uni was awkward. I was all confused about studies, what I was about to study and shit. So I decided to really study and no more playing around, no more procrastinating. Just freaking grow up?

Well, I'm trying to be more mature in the way I think and the way I do things. I guess changing the way I do things, the way I think has helped me a lot in planning my future, knowing what I really love and want to do. I swear, it's not like "yeah sure, it's just uni and shit", as if I have this four years to have fun. Of course, I'm not going to waste my parents' money like I did before. This time, it's for real. I want a job, I want a good future. I'm not doing this for anyone else, I'm doing this for myself. I'm studying really hard for myself. I'm not slacking or procrastinating, I'm cutting down on fun. I'm doing things that benefits me. I'm changing my ways for myself. I'm doing all of this for me.

I mean, sure, I'm young and sure, I should be doing all the stupid crazy things and go all out there, go nuts. Honestly though, I think I've already passed that phase. I'm pretty sure I went through that phase years back, when I was way much younger than I am now. I'm sure I've already done almost all the crazy things before I turned eighteen, maybe not smoking pot or doing drugs, not those kind of crazy, but pretty much almost every crazy shit a teenager or a twenty-something might do. I guess I'm just over it already. I mean, I've totally 'been there, done that' to most of the stupid things. So I guess I'm just not that stupid anymore to do stupid things. I just outgrew it all lol. Oh welllllllls.

And I guess this is really about growing up. I'm not getting any younger. It just hit me, hit me real hard, right in my face where I came to a point that I was really worried about my future, I didn't know what I want to do, what I loved doing. Then I changed, I gave much thought into it, I carefully planned my life and still planning. It just became really important to me to know where I'll be at in like, five to ten years time. I don't know about you guys, but I'm sure one day, reality will just smack right at you. Maybe not now, but one day. Unless of course, you're some rich-ass kid who doesn't give a damn because you know your parents are going to pass you all their wealth, then OKAY FINE.

But for me, this is it. My everything is in for my undergrad studies. I always end up telling myself this: Jo, you need a job because you need money because you spend money like water, so YOU NEED THIS. You need to do this for yourself. And I am. I am trying my very best.

25 August 2014

I am not sad

"She awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day her heart would descend from her chest into her stomach. By early afternoon, she was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for her, and by the desire to be alone. By evening, she was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of her grief, alone in her aimless guilt, alone even in her loneliness. I am not sad, she would repeat to herself over and over, I am not sad. As if she might one day convince herself. Or convince others. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because her life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. She would fall asleep with her heart at the foot of her bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of her at all. And each morning, she would wake with it again in the cupboard of her rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the mid afternoon, she was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad." - Jonathan Safran Foer

21 August 2014

Why your 20s are actually the best time to be in a long-distance relationship

When unfamiliar people learn about my boyfriend, they usually respond with shock, confusion and a laundry list of questions. No, I'm not dating an ex-con and no, he's not related to me.

I'm simply in a long-distance relationship.

By long distance, I mean really, really long distance - like, across the Atlantic Ocean, nonstop flight from JFK to London Heathrow long distance.

Although the situation is clearly neither the norm nor the ideal, I'm still amazed by the utter disbelief I encounter when I share the details of my romantic life.

Many people fail to understand why I'm wasting my glory years - my 20s - with a guy whom I barely see.

They can't seem to fathom a relationship based on verbal communication rather than physical stimulation. They doubt the future of our relationship and our ability to stay faithful to one another.

Yes, I'll admit, it's really hard to date somebody almost exclusively over Skype.

I often experience experience deep sadness when we're apart and wish that our relationship could just be normal. Even when we're together, there's always generally a small twinge of melancholy present, as I know that the moment is fleeting.

Most of the time, I feel stuck in a rut; my life is like the ever-so-clasic cliché of "can't live with him, can't live without him."

But really, as difficult as it may be, I regret nothing. In fact, with every passing day, even the really hard ones, I realize more and more that I couldn't have made a better decision if I tried. I have come to appreciate my long-distance relationship and the opportunities with which it affords me.

I've learned that if you're going to be in a long-distance relationship, there's no better time to do it than when you're in your 20s.

Perhaps, I should explain:

As a 20-something, I'm considerably new to the real world. Up until this point in my life, I have had parents, teachers and various advisors to help guide me through tough choices.

In fact, my whole life has been an intricate game of Simon Says; I'm told what to do and then, I listen. It was a comfortable existence, but now it's time to move on.

I'm prepared to begin to take hold of my future, but first, I must focus. I must get to know who I am, what I want and how to achieve my goals.

The next couple of years will be a crucial time for me to really become myself. I don't mean just professionally, but emotionally and socially, too.

I love my long-distance relationship because it provides me the space to work on myself. Oftentimes, couples leave college and try to continue dating, which I think is often a mistake.

Of course, there are plenty of relationships that work out and go on to become happy marriages. In other cases, however, both people end up suffering. If you never learn how to be on your own, you'll continue to be dependent on others. 

I don't have somebody to hug me when I'm having a bad day. My boyfriend can't meet with me during my lunch break when I don't want to eat alone.

I'm also facing all of the hardships that young adults face all by myself. I'm learning how to survive, take care of myself and to be independent, which is vital, in my opinion.

Yet, although I might be on my own, I'm never actually alone. Sure, my boyfriend can't physically comfort me or take me out on dates, but he's never more than a quick text message away.

While I value my time alone, I've never been more grateful for my boyfriend's virtual presence; he's my safety net and my outlet after a trying day.

Your 20s are a time of self-discovery, not continued dependence. However, having somebody there for you, even just occasionally, makes everything easier. A long-distance relationship provides just that: a chance to be on your own without ever having to feel alone.

One of the most common questions people ask me about my relationship is about my prospects for the future. They ask about where we'll end up; they want to know our plan.

My answer is that I don't yet know. However, there is one thing I do know: I couldn't have asked for a better person to stand by my side as I go through the motions of young adulthood... even if he is 3,000 miles away.

by Linda Tell, Elite Daily.

9 August 2014

You're just a boy


"But you're just a boy. You don't understand how it feels to love a girl. You don't listen to her, you don't care how it hurts. Until you lose the one you wanted, cause you're taking her for granted and everything you had got destroyed. Cause you're just a boy."

1 August 2014

I am free


This world ain't exactly what my heart expected. Just trying to find my way someway. Maybe something's wrong with me. But at least I am free, I am free...

20 July 2014

By the River Piedra I sat down and wept

Are we suffering for a love that's not worth it?


"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him."

16 July 2014

23 June 2014

Melancholy minus its charm

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds." - Laurell K. Hamilton


I waste at least an hour everyday lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll shatter. It feels like nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Something's drowning me. It's like waking up into a nightmare. I feel lost, so broken inside. I'm struggling to stay alive.

It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be happy again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling. But when I feel it deeply, I don't want to let it go. It becomes a comfort. I guess it's not all that bad. So it seems.

There just isn't a single strong emotion inside me. I see the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed. I'd lost my place in the universe. And I wonder if it's worth it to fight for as long as I live.

14 June 2014

Outside in

Am I lost or completely free?


Life hasn't been easy for me. I never ever thought moving away was this difficult to take in. I find myself crying myself to sleep sometimes, wishing I had never left. I feel so alone. I sometimes feel like I've lost my will to live, my soul just wandering around. I'm trying to pick myself back up, but it ain't as easy as it seems to be. Because I'm already torn apart.

I wish I could be heard. But nobody will ever understand what it feels like to leave unwillingly. I have no one. No one understands. So I cry. Because all I can do is cry. Useless and pathetic. Crushing inside. Everything is just falling apart.

4 June 2014

Shattered

Watched him go; I had to let him go. He left, he left me, again. And I have been crying ever since. I miss him already. I miss his warm hugs, his beautiful smile, I just miss everything about him. The most painful thing is I don't know when will I see him again. Distance is f-ing killing me.

20 April 2014

It feels like

My heart aches in my chest, the pain pulsing throughout my body. I feel empty, like a small part of me has gone missing. I've never needed someone the way I need you, I've never had a love taken away from me by distance. It doesn't feel the same when you tell me you love me over the phone, the peacefulness of those words doesn't floor me from thousand of miles away, instead they become warped into an intense kind of pain. I don't hear the inflections in your voice, the breathlessness you always get when you speak those words. 

Do you know how does it feel when you aren't there to make my tears go away with one embrace? 

11 April 2014

All I want

But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?

"All I want is nothing more to hear you knocking at my door. Cause if I could see your face once more, I could die a happy woman I'm sure. When you said you last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone, without you by my side. So you brought out the best of me, a part of me I'd never seen. You took my soul and wiped it clean, our love was made for movie screens. But if you loved me, why'd you leave me? Take my body, take my body. All I want is, and all I need is to find somebody; somebody like you."

9 April 2014

Essence

"If we don't care, we can't get hurt. But if we didn't care, the world would be a dark place to live. We have to deal with it and realize life isn't fair. People are taken out of our lives, and others live who don't deserve to continue."

31 March 2014

Sneak peek: My room



My 'princess' shelf. I've been eyeing on this shelf for almost a year. I was so freaking happy I got my hands on it (it's from IKEA btw). It's just so simple and has this princessy look. I know it still looks pretty empty. Need to get more stuffs to fill up the empty spaces; pretty, colourful, red stuffs. But I'm really happy with this shelf. Lala-love it, one of my fav.


Thank goodness for this mirror. I didn't like it at first, but after I saw the inside of this thing, I was quite happy. It's enough to store all my necklaces, earrings, bracelets and hair accessories. Neat and tidy. This mirror is a life-space saver.


My absolute fav thing in my room. My Paul Villinski-inspired, Serena van der Woodsen's butterfly wall art. I did with just a pair of scissors, lots of black paper, some glue and it took me an awful full two hours to stick them up. I know it isn't perfect and it doesn't look like how it's suppose to, but it's good enough. Good enough to put a smile on my face :)


My wardrobe: colour coordinated my clothes, with some of my shoes arranged at the bottom (lol most of my shoes are black) and more clothes in the shelves. Also categorised my folded clothes, but not colour coordinated. Too lazy to. And the last shelf is in a mess. I don't know how to arrange my bags nicely. Still thinking where or how to put them out nicely.


Last but not least, the view outside. Freaking ugly and messy. I'm going to have a neighbour soon. Ang moh building a double-storey house right beside my room. They gonna block all the bloody sunlight. So I tengah emotional like hell lol.