30 January 2013

Where there's smoke

"If clouds are blocking the sun, there will always be a silver lining that reminds me to keep on trying..." - Matthew Quick


I feel like the days are going by faster, slower, sometimes just the same as always. It isn't about what my watch or clock tells me, but it is what I personally feel about the speed at which my life is passing and I find it kinda irksome to catch up.

I have been in college for two years now. And basically, this semester is my last. Now that is fast. What isn't fast is that I have to wait for about two years or so to be with my boyfriend, who is now in the states, doing his degree. Well, that to me is a long wait. But I think once I have done two years of waiting for him, I'd smirk and say, "That was quick". So... what is it with us, human beings and time? With all the "........... we all grew up too fast", "I feel freaking old!", "So fast lah", "I should not have done that", "How I wish I could turn back time" and the list of complaints goes on, and on, and on.

Why can't we leave time alone? I know I can't. I, for some reason, just love bellyaching about time. I'd think about the past, I'd wish I hadn't done this, I wish I hadn't done that and just "WOW, THAT WAS FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

26 January 2013

Sweet Twenty

"... and they become adults the moment the final drop of everything mysterious is strained from them." - Simon Van Booy


I AM TWENTY. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am freakin' twenty.

I feel old, I feel different. I am now a young adult, no more a teenager and I guess that some things should be done differently now. Change it is. I am freaking twenty years old now. How the hell did that happen so fast? Time flies like an arrow, like fruit flies like a banana. When I blew out those candles, I wish for nothing but happiness in life. Just happiness. What more can I ask? I have everything. Great friends, a loving family and a wonderful boyfriend. My life cannot get any better than this. Can it? I am grateful. I really am. I have everything in life.

Although I really wish he had been here to celebrate with me. But nothing will go the way I want to. I can't have him right now. So I guess now I should start figuring my life out, like, what do I want to do in life? I do know I want to get married, I want kids, I want a dog and I want a nice comfy house to live in. I just haven't got to the part where what I would be doing for a living. Hell, I won't be here, in Malaysia and the life I have installed for me is something I am not prepared for. Everything there will be very unusual for me. How will I adjust to the changes? No idea. I guess that's what keeping me from knowing what I want to do in life. *big sighs* 2-FREAKING-WENTY.

20 January 2013

Close your eyes

"None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. 
Because we trust. Because we have faith." - Paula Coelho


I feel as if I have lost everything. I find myself just staring into space. I find myself crying on the stairs, sobbing in the shower. I find myself throwing food away, instead of shoving it down my throat. I find myself doing everything differently. I'm miserable. There, I said it. I really am. I never knew letting someone go was easy. I didn't know that it would take this long to get over it. I'm still not over it. I can't get over it.

Yes, we do talk whenever it is possible. We do see each other through FaceTime or Skype. But, it is different. We have been together for almost seven years now. In that seven years, he has always been there for me. When I needed him the most, he was there. When I needed someone to talk, to cry on, he was always there. Now... Just different. And I find it difficult to adjust. I keep things to myself, I cry myself to sleep, I can't eat properly. I'm practically just waiting for the day I get to see him again, which is? I don't know. I hope real soon. I hope so.

6 January 2013

Turning page

"You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. 
I treasure each side, just as I have treasure our life together." - Nicholas Sparks


So, it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me....... everyday. You and me, you and me, you and me.

It has only been three days (not counting the day he left) and it feels like forever. Here I am, listening to a really depressing piece by Sigur Rós, Fjögur Píanó and I just feel like soaking myself in my own tears. I AM THAT SAD. I can't remember the last time I have slept enough, ate right and even smiled at my own reflection in the mirror. I miss him so freakishly much. And things are never ever going to be the same again. We have been together for almost seven years now, and he just had to leave me behind. The time difference is crap, we talk less, I only get to see him through FaceTime or Skype, and I don't get to hold him anymore; I don't get to feel his warmth, neither can I feel his touch. My heart feels like it has shattered into millions of pieces and I'm now slowly picking them up, but I can't seem to find the missing pieces. Just something so precious was taken away from me. I wish we had more time together. I wish he didn't have to go.

This LDR thing is not easy. It just isn't easy. I guess it takes a whole lot of patience, truckload of trust and a handful of faith, which is nothing I am good at... yet. I tried, I blew up. And I will try again. But nothing feels the same.

4 January 2013

Running after yesterday

"If they take you away from me, fear not, I love you always. I love you with all my heart." - Izicain


But I'll wait for you, Hsiang. Every beat of my heart belongs to you, whether you ask for it or not. My love, my best friend and my everything. I miss you. I miss you so much... it actually hurts. I wish you were still here. I wish we had more time together. I wish I had treated you better. I wish I had loved you more, touched you more, appreciated you more. I wish you didn't have to leave. I wish I were stronger, but I am not. I think this has got to be the hardest goodbye ever. Seeing you go, killed me a little inside. It was just so hard to see you go. And I forgive you. Just cannot wait for you to come back and get me. I will be waiting for the day that I will again, be in your arms. I really do miss you so much. I have never, ever felt more lonely. I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you to come get me. I love you <3