I understand why many believe that long distance relationships never work. Here I am, attempting to blog about LDR and how shitty is it, whilst having FaceTime on with him on the other end, sleeping. We were meant to talk to each other, not actually me watching him sleep.
If you are wondering - yes, I'm pissed at him. The thing is, these are the only few days I get to talk to him. Yeah, fine. He couldn't text me in the afternoon before I went into work was because he "took a nap". Sure, he's tired and exhausted from playing futsal last night. Sure, sure. So I assume, I'm just meant to sit here and be a good, supportive girlfriend and tell myself, I'm all good with all this? What if I was having a bad day and all I want to fucking do is have him "virtually" hug me, or at least be there for me? Well, bad news for me. He can't or he won't. Because he's tired, he's asleep and he's not even going to try. Honestly? I think, or I feel - he hasn't been trying for months now.
Sure, we have our ups and downs. But everything has been really good. So good until I actually realise that he doesn't bother lifting a finger to do anything to make me feel "loved" or to show that he actually cares about this relationship. Put buying gifts aside. I seriously do not give a shit if he bought me charms or a sweatshirt, whatever. I look forward to good morning messages, which probably happens like never? I look for long ass sweet messages from him telling me how much he loves me or wants to see me. Fuck, I don't get that anymore. I haven't been getting anything like that for months. So do I have all the right to freak out and cry about it? I think I do. I have all the reasons to.
How is being happy going to work to keep my mind and my heart from crying about little things like these? How is being happy keeping myself busy from being so heartbroken about the fact that "the day I get to see him again" is tomorrow, is now uncertain? How did I end up forgiving him for lying? For promising something that was never going to be delivered? How did I end up being okay with all this waiting?
Don't I deserve better? Don't I deserve to be happy again? Don't I deserve to feel loved again?