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He affects me

He affects me, even when he's absent.

I thought this goodbye was going to be much easier than the past four goodbyes. This goodbye was actually harder than when he left Australia to go back to Malaysia for his internship. I thought this time was going to be easier because I thought I was/am already used to us living apart. But these three weeks changed everything. I actually felt happy; what I felt was real happiness I haven't felt in a very long time.

I know it's just 'one more year'. But you have no idea how long one year feels, how many things can happen in a year and that today can be someone's and anyone's last day. I know it's just another 365 days to go, but no one really knows that the past 365 days was torture to me, filled with so much sadness and tears, and darkness took over my life. The past year was one of the most difficult time I had to go through and that took me a while to get back up on my feet. It's just one more f-year, but you've no idea how painful it is to get through another year.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was just missing him: I miss having his arms wrapped around me, while I lay my head comfortably on his chest. The sneaky kisses he gives me on my forehead when he thinks I'm fast asleep and wouldn't realise he does it. Miss his snores that I complain every morning after. I miss waking up to his face. I couldn't sleep last night because I felt very alone. Just when I was about to get used to having him by my side day and night, he has to leave me again.. and then I'm alone, all alone. I'm trying to be strong, but it's fucking hard.

I hope this will be the last time I'll have to say goodbye to you.