24 March 2015

Lost soul

"If you love deeply, you're going to get hurt badly." - C.S. Lewis


Some days I wake up, and I feel the fractures in my flesh. Today felt like my entire world was in total darkness. I felt like I was in a world of pain. I felt like I crying. It all felt like a storm came out of nowhere. I just sat there, the pain took over and I allowed it to numb myself. My body kept wanting to eat itself up, and my mind wouldn't stop asking my heart if I could carry the pain around my whole life. Pain has marked me, but it's too deep to see. All that remains of it, is nothing but a shadow. Not in my mind even, but also in my flesh. It's killing me.

There's always some kind of pain. It flashes to remind you, when you least expect it. No matter how hard I try or how bad I want to relieve some of the pain from inside, I can't. It just stays in place. There is a longing for impossible things, for what never was, for what could have happen. But not knowing which decision to take is the most painful, the ache for what never will happen is worse. It is the most painful kind of hope there is; we pretend it away, ignore it and we tell ourselves we're imagining it. Nothing is real, and nothing is ever going to be real.

Like a knife slashing through. Is never wanting to live, but only to dream forever. 

If it ends, no time can heal, nothing can make whole again.

p/s: Because "life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to life. You can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led towards the road strewn with pain, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it." - J.D. Strobe. But a lost soul will not take you anywhere in life.

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