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Treasure to trash

"To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me." - ZOEgirl

Sometimes I wish I was stronger - emotionally and mentally. It would mean to let everything go, even the one you truly love. I know the truth hurts, but I rather know it all than to one day find out of the truth without being told of it. My heart is aching knowing that he sometimes wishes to have things done another way/with me not being in the big picture. I just found out about it today. Fucking stupid of me.

I have never ever thought of having a life without him in it, or even wishing for a life without him; without us. I have never ever said "If I weren't in a relationship, I'd be able to..." do this or do that. Never. I'd never tell someone to "not fall in love" because you'll be trapped or tied up, and you won't have the freedom to do anything you want. If being in a relationship is like being in chains, then why be in one? Why?

Why waste my time? Why give me hope? Why bother giving me a glimpse of our future together? But behind my back, you sometimes wish otherwise? I don't understand. Am I wrong to feel this way? Sad? Angry? I don't know what is it that I'm doing, is wrong, or not good enough for him. I'm already trying to be at the very best I can, but it seems like I'm failing at it miserably. I don't know what to do anymore.

If I was stronger, maybe I could take a step forward, and walk out the door. Maybe to fall in love again, but with someone who will appreciate me, love me for who I am, and will want to have a future with me. I don't want to keep living like this - all the lies, all the truth being hidden underground, all the doubts. I just want it all to go away. I just want to be happy. That's all I'm asking for. But what can I do?

Nothing. Because I'm weak. My body and my mind prefers to just lay there and shed tears all night long. So pathetic. So so effing pathetic.