11 November 2014

Got lost in it

"Hung my head, as I lost the war and the sky turned black like a perfect storm.
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing."


This is my fav picture of us. I was going through his Dropbox (he told me I could log in anytime I like to look at pictures of us) and found this. I also came across some stuffs I wish I could unsee. Please don't mind me, when I'm crying I tend to write stuffs that doesn't make sense.

I hate feeling like this. It feels like being torn apart. I'm already trying to be so strong. I try to forget stupid little things that upsets me. I've been trying to "switch off". I keep telling myself to be patient, to trust him and have faith. But how can I? We are miles apart, our relationship is so unstable. He has hid things from me, and I don't know if he still is. Is this what LDR really is like? It really hurts so much.

The truth does hurt. Because the truth is the truth. It shatters our heart. Sometimes when we are told of the truth, we'd wish we never knew of it. But the most pain you can ever feel is when you find out the truth, after being "lied" to. You won't be able to sleep, you cry, you don't know how to trust, but you have to pick yourself up and ask yourself these questions: should I live with this pain or should I just shake it off?

I told myself after days and days of crying myself to sleep, crying in the shower, crying when listening to sad, sad songs. I told myself to just shake it off. Just let it go, even though it's difficult to. Even if it kills you to do so. And things got better for me. I didn't think of it, I didn't talk about it (I tried not to) and nothing. I was happier. Until today, until just minutes ago. Here comes all the pain and waterworks. Fffuck.

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