23 October 2014

Made to be broken

I keep telling myself I'll be okay, but I know my heart will never be the same.


I never knew this would hurt so much. Imagine this. I was in class, listening to my tutor. It suddenly hit me. In my head, it was all quiet. All I could hear was my heart beating really fast, but it wasn't beating like it always does. It was more like beating and shattering at the same time. I froze for a little while. I didn't know what was going on, why was my heart beating that way. My eyes became cloudy and I wanted to just cry right there. I told myself, why not just wait until I got home and I can cry until the week is over. There was just too much pain. I'm not going to lie to you, but I got home and I cried my ass off. I'm still crying right now. I cannot stop. I don't know why. It's just so painful.

I woke up yesterday feeling all right. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I just went on with my daily stuffs. I had a job interview. I didn't eat much though, but the day ended fairly well. But today, I got up and it really hit me. I've lost everything. I've lost him. I cannot convince him anymore to stay. I don't have the will to do it anymore. I just lost my hope. I just lost my dream, my happiness. It hit me real hard: Why am I here for then? All my life, all I've ever wanted was to be with the man I truly love. Love to me was my dream. It was the key to my happiness. But I don't have that anymore. I'm slowly losing myself. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I'm losing everything.

You took my family away. I was fine with it. I grew to be more independent. I learned how to be on my own, not entirely but most of the time I was standing on my own two feet. You took away my home, I accepted it. I learned to live in a world I will never consider home. I'm like a soul lost without its body. You took away my friends. I hated it at first, but what could I do? I grew lonely. I had nobody to talk to. I spent most of time doing things I never did before, but did it alone. I'm all alone. All I had was him. And now you have to take him away too? I feel so much more alone than I ever was before. Sure, I have a new home. But face it, this is not home at all. Sure, I'm back with my family. But really? This is what you call a family? Life here isn't as easy as it was back home. My whole life... is fucking broken, everything is.

All I have, is nothing. Here I am, writing all my thoughts into this blog. I have no one to talk to. I'm only left with myself. I don't need your pity or your sympathy. I just want my happiness. But that's all gone now. I will never be happy anymore. Even if I tried, I know I won't. Because if whatever I felt today, I know I will feel it again. The pain is real, you know. It is the pain of a broken heart. Glass shattering.

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