21 October 2014

In darkness

"Time takes it all whether you want it or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. 
Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again." - Stephen King


I can't stop crying. I'm shivering. I feel so cold. It feels like my heart has been stabbed like a million times. My eyes are so swollen from all the crying. I just feel like running away. I feel like leaving this horrible place. It feels like I've just lost that very last bit of hope in my life. I have just lost everything. I feel sad. I feel so ashamed. I feel like I don't deserve this life anymore. I feel like I've lost myself to the darkness. I never thought I'd feel this way again. I feel so much pain. My heart feels like it's been ripped out again and again. It feels like it's being stabbed and shredded into millions of pieces. And here I am. Just staring at my heart. Not knowing what to do with it. Whether I should pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together or just leave it scattered all over. My heart is aching. It will never ever stop aching.

But it's all my fault. I ruined everything we had. Because of that one big mistake I made. It was that one mistake that hurt you so much. I just wish you knew I never meant to do those things to you. It was never on purpose. I never should have blamed you for my mistakes. It was my mistake. I had a choice, but I had no control over my feelings. If I could turn back time, I would undo my mistakes. I was weak and I gave in. Because of that, I deserve all this. I guess I understand how you feel, how you have been feeling. I can never ever make you happy again. I can never make you trust me. I guess it's all not meant to be. You definitely deserve better. You deserve to be happy. And I don't deserve you.

I hope you will find someone who will make you happy. Someone who shares the same dreams as you. I hope she will make you be a better person, brings the best out of you. I know you said you're not going to fall in love again, but I pray you will. You deserve to be happy.

Though I wish I could make you happy. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. I will give you my all. I didn't sacrifice everything for you, for nothing. I sacrificed my all is because I loved you. I love you, Hsiang. I really do. It just hurts so much that I don't make you happy anymore. It hurts even more when you said that you came here and it felt like nothing. It wasn't fair to me that you stayed on with me, but had no more feelings for me. I'm so sorry for all the things I've done before. I just wish you knew how much I truly love you. I will always wait for you. No matter what, I will wait for you. I hope you know that. I hope I can stay strong for you. I will try. I love you.

If I ever do give up, I'm so sorry. But I have been having these thoughts ever since I got here. I just felt like I've already lost so much, that losing you would mean my life is worthless. And losing you was definitely the last straw. The answer to my endless thoughts. I'm so so sorry.

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