27 October 2014

The future switch

"Then I realised, they didn't changed, I changed. It happened when I lifted 
the veil clouding my mind and saw the truth surrounding me." - L. M. Fields 

There will be a point in our lives that will hit us hard in the face. This was one of my wake up call. I found it while I was cleaning up my mail. I remember reading this long-ass e-mail from my mother. I didn't expect this from her at all. I barely talked to her while I was busy with my internship. Every single time she called, I'd ignore it and tell her that I'd talk to her another day. So when I got this e-mail, I read and cried so much. I realised I was so caught up in having the time of my life. I was out a lot, I spent lots of money. I didn't give a care at all. 

I guess what made me teared was she mentioned about me becoming an adult, reaching the legal age. I asked myself, WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING? I had so many things to think and worry about. But I was just running away from doing that. I was afraid of growing up. I was so scared of making decisions. I didn't want to make decisions because, what if I don't like the decisions I made? What if one day I wake up asking myself, what have I gotten myself into? There's no turning back. Sure, there are second chances in life, but mistakes are mistakes.

We will all come to a point where we will regret decisions we've made for ourselves. And I just didn't want to go through that. But I realised, sooner or later I'd still have to decide. Doing nothing for almost a year had changed me so much. I'm still afraid of what's in for me in the future, but I've learned to accept the fact that I can never run away from making decisions and mistakes. But I'll always have second chances to try to make things right. The future is scary. But you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. It's tempting. But it's a mistake.

p/s: The future can be a scary thing. Because it's something that's always left open for anything to happen. It's a total mystery. But at the same time, it's so exciting. Each decision we make can alter how our future will turn out, so how we end up in the future is really our decision. We never know what will be thrown at us, but it's up to each of us as to how we deal with whatever does come. No one else can decide that for us. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

23 October 2014

Made to be broken

I keep telling myself I'll be okay, but I know my heart will never be the same.

I never knew this would hurt so much. Imagine this. I was in class, listening to my tutor. It suddenly hit me. In my head, it was all quiet. All I could hear was my heart beating really fast, but it wasn't beating like it always does. It was more like beating and shattering at the same time. I froze for a little while. I didn't know what was going on, why was my heart beating that way. My eyes became cloudy and I wanted to just cry right there. I told myself, why not just wait until I got home and I can cry until the week is over. There was just too much pain. I'm not going to lie to you, but I got home and I cried my ass off. I'm still crying right now. I cannot stop. I don't know why. It's just so painful.

I woke up yesterday feeling all right. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I just went on with my daily stuffs. I had a job interview. I didn't eat much though, but the day ended fairly well. But today, I got up and it really hit me. I've lost everything. I've lost him. I cannot convince him anymore to stay. I don't have the will to do it anymore. I just lost my hope. I just lost my dream, my happiness. It hit me real hard: Why am I here for then? All my life, all I've ever wanted was to be with the man I truly love. Love to me was my dream. It was the key to my happiness. But I don't have that anymore. I'm slowly losing myself. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I'm losing everything.

You took my family away. I was fine with it. I grew to be more independent. I learned how to be on my own, not entirely but most of the time I was standing on my own two feet. You took away my home, I accepted it. I learned to live in a world I will never consider home. I'm like a soul lost without its body. You took away my friends. I hated it at first, but what could I do? I grew lonely. I had nobody to talk to. I spent most of time doing things I never did before, but did it alone. I'm all alone. All I had was him. And now you have to take him away too? I feel so much more alone than I ever was before. Sure, I have a new home. But face it, this is not home at all. Sure, I'm back with my family. But really? This is what you call a family? Life here isn't as easy as it was back home. My whole life... is fucking broken, everything is.

All I have, is nothing. Here I am, writing all my thoughts into this blog. I have no one to talk to. I'm only left with myself. I don't need your pity or your sympathy. I just want my happiness. But that's all gone now. I will never be happy anymore. Even if I tried, I know I won't. Because if whatever I felt today, I know I will feel it again. The pain is real, you know. It is the pain of a broken heart. Glass shattering.

21 October 2014

In darkness

"Time takes it all whether you want it or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness. 
Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again." - Stephen King

I can't stop crying. I'm shivering. I feel so cold. It feels like my heart has been stabbed like a million times. My eyes are so swollen from all the crying. I just feel like running away. I feel like leaving this horrible place. It feels like I've just lost that very last bit of hope in my life. I have just lost everything. I feel sad. I feel so ashamed. I feel like I don't deserve this life anymore. I feel like I've lost myself to the darkness. I never thought I'd feel this way again. I feel so much pain. My heart feels like it's been ripped out again and again. It feels like it's being stabbed and shredded into millions of pieces. And here I am. Just staring at my heart. Not knowing what to do with it. Whether I should pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together or just leave it scattered all over. My heart is aching. It will never ever stop aching.

But it's all my fault. I ruined everything we had. Because of that one big mistake I made. It was that one mistake that hurt you so much. I just wish you knew I never meant to do those things to you. It was never on purpose. I never should have blamed you for my mistakes. It was my mistake. I had a choice, but I had no control over my feelings. If I could turn back time, I would undo my mistakes. I was weak and I gave in. Because of that, I deserve all this. I guess I understand how you feel, how you have been feeling. I can never ever make you happy again. I can never make you trust me. I guess it's all not meant to be. You definitely deserve better. You deserve to be happy. And I don't deserve you.

I hope you will find someone who will make you happy. Someone who shares the same dreams as you. I hope she will make you be a better person, brings the best out of you. I know you said you're not going to fall in love again, but I pray you will. You deserve to be happy.

Though I wish I could make you happy. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. I will give you my all. I didn't sacrifice everything for you, for nothing. I sacrificed my all is because I loved you. I love you, Hsiang. I really do. It just hurts so much that I don't make you happy anymore. It hurts even more when you said that you came here and it felt like nothing. It wasn't fair to me that you stayed on with me, but had no more feelings for me. I'm so sorry for all the things I've done before. I just wish you knew how much I truly love you. I will always wait for you. No matter what, I will wait for you. I hope you know that. I hope I can stay strong for you. I will try. I love you.

If I ever do give up, I'm so sorry. But I have been having these thoughts ever since I got here. I just felt like I've already lost so much, that losing you would mean my life is worthless. And losing you was definitely the last straw. The answer to my endless thoughts. I'm so so sorry.

16 October 2014

Broken beyond repair

Do you ever feel like giving up? I do. I feel it everyday. I've been feeling it more and more each day. Not that I want to, but that thought just come through my mind. I can't sleep, I hardly eat right. I just feel so broken inside. I guess this is what depression is really like. It's just shit.

The only reason why I'm not giving up is because I feel like I've already gotten this far in life. It'd be a waste to give up just like that. Though I know nobody will miss me, no one will care. So I get up everyday. I put on a smile on my face. I start the day thinking it'll be a good day. But before I go to bed, I'd tell myself I don't want to wake up to see tomorrow. I sleep with tears in my eyes and a troubled heart.