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Showing posts from October, 2014

The future switch

"Then I realised, they didn't changed, I changed. It happened when I lifted  the veil clouding my mind and saw the truth surrounding me." - L. M. Fields 

There will be a point in our lives that will hit us hard in the face. This was one of my wake up call. I found it while I was cleaning up my mail. I remember reading this long-ass e-mail from my mother. I didn't expect this from her at all. I barely talked to her while I was busy with my internship. Every single time she called, I'd ignore it and tell her that I'd talk to her another day. So when I got this e-mail, I read and cried so much. I realised I was so caught up in having the time of my life. I was out a lot, I spent lots of money. I didn't give a care at all. 
I guess what made me teared was she mentioned about me becoming an adult, reaching the legal age. I asked myself, WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING? I had so many things to think and worry about. But I was just running away from doing that. I was…

Made to be broken

I keep telling myself I'll be okay, but I know my heart will never be the same.

I never knew this would hurt so much. Imagine this. I was in class, listening to my tutor. It suddenly hit me. In my head, it was all quiet. All I could hear was my heart beating really fast, but it wasn't beating like it always does. It was more like beating and shattering at the same time. I froze for a little while. I didn't know what was going on, why was my heart beating that way. My eyes became cloudy and I wanted to just cry right there. I told myself, why not just wait until I got home and I can cry until the week is over. There was just too much pain. I'm not going to lie to you, but I got home and I cried my ass off. I'm still crying right now. I cannot stop. I don't know why. It's just so painful.
I woke up yesterday feeling all right. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything. I just went on with my daily stuffs. I had a job interview. I didn't eat much thoug…

In darkness

"Time takes it all whether you want it or not, time takes it all. Time bares it away, and in the end there is only darkness.  Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again." - Stephen King

I can't stop crying. I'm shivering. I feel so cold. It feels like my heart has been stabbed like a million times. My eyes are so swollen from all the crying. I just feel like running away. I feel like leaving this horrible place. It feels like I've just lost that very last bit of hope in my life. I have just lost everything. I feel sad. I feel so ashamed. I feel like I don't deserve this life anymore. I feel like I've lost myself to the darkness. I never thought I'd feel this way again. I feel so much pain. My heart feels like it's been ripped out again and again. It feels like it's being stabbed and shredded into millions of pieces. And here I am. Just staring at my heart. Not knowing what to do with it. Whether I should…

Broken beyond repair

Do you ever feel like giving up? I do. I feel it everyday. I've been feeling it more and more each day. Not that I want to, but that thought just come through my mind. I can't sleep, I hardly eat right. I just feel so broken inside. I guess this is what depression is really like. It's just shit.

The only reason why I'm not giving up is because I feel like I've already gotten this far in life. It'd be a waste to give up just like that. Though I know nobody will miss me, no one will care. So I get up everyday. I put on a smile on my face. I start the day thinking it'll be a good day. But before I go to bed, I'd tell myself I don't want to wake up to see tomorrow. I sleep with tears in my eyes and a troubled heart.