21 April 2013

Drowned in sweat

"Easy and difficult things are just small parts of life, the rest are what have to be done." - Alief Moulana


I get up really early to avoid the traffic, I sign in, I get my hair all tied up, I change into my uncomfortable uniform, I walk into the kitchen, I do whatever, I have a super quick lunch, I do whatever and I never go back on time, like never.

I can't tell anymore what day it is. My days seemed to be all jumbled up. I have no more weekends, because I work six days a week, with a minimum of eight hours per day. The only day that feels like a weekend is my off day, which right now is every Friday. Every other freaking day feels like Monday. Flickin' Monday. Stupid Monday. I despise Mondays.

But working, it keeps me tied up, kills time and takes my mind off everything. I have definitely learnt to be more patient with people, tolerate their crap and just respond to everything with a smile, though the silence is killing me. And I now know how all these people actually keep themselves sane. They sing, they shout foul languages at each other (for absolutely no bloody reason) and they talk a whole load of cow dung rubbish. Nothing makes sense in this line, nothing at all. The money may be shipshape, but sure as hell have no life. I'm definitely going to rethink about all crappidy crap.

19 April 2013

Looking for Alaska

"At the end of the day, the questions we ask of ourselves determine the type of people that we will become." - Leo Babauta


I'm sitting here, in a funky mood - not knowing what to do, what to say, where to go. I'm feeling really antsy and unsure why. There are so many things I should be doing, could be doing, but I don't want to do any of them. My mind is running in different directions. So many worries, fears and thoughts, always wondering how I am ever going to survive in this mucked up world, will I be able to pull through on my own, this craziness. I think I am slowly driving myself nuts.

I have about a millions questions to ask myself. Sometimes I wish I had the answers to all these silly questions I ask myself: What am I passionate about? What are the most important things to me in life? What are my values? Do I love my job? Am I living the life of my dreams? Am I putting any parts of my life on hold? What is my top priority in my life right now? If I had one month left to live, what will I do? Will I get married? Will I have kids? Is there anything I am running away from? What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose in life? Why do I exist? Am I afraid of letting others get close to me? Is there something I'm still holding on to? Is it time to let go? If not now, then when? Will I ever?

9 April 2013

Unsettled

"Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle." - W. S. Merwin


Countless sleepless nights, about a million things running through my empty mind, and I have never ever, ever felt so alone. I'm lonely, I'm lonely in some horrible deep way. And it is because I miss you, I really do miss you....... so much.

I know I have said this many times, but this long-distance relationship thing is slowly killing me, inside and out. It isn't going the way I had expected it to be. What I thought was going to be a child's play; with all the constant text messaging and video calls. But no, his day is my night, his night will always be my day and we are often torn apart by the time difference. Do you know how does it feels? Not having anyone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, he is never ever there. And no matter what you do, or how much you try to save your dying relationship, it will just end up making things worst for the both of you. I don't know how long I can do this, this thing, it's unerringly driving me nuts. I'm going cuckoo crazy.

p/s: I know this isn't what you would want to hear about LDR, but I just want you guys to know that all this isn't as easy as we have seen it in movies, or read it in books. Nothing will go-as-you-please.

8 April 2013

Shopaholic

"When I shop, the world gets better, and the world is better, but then it's not, and I need to do it again." - Sophie Kinsella


Shopping is a woman's thing. We enjoy the tussle, the noisy crowds, the risk of being ambushed to death and the contentment of the purchase. It's like there's a little bit of magic found in buying something new. It is like instant gratification, a quick fix. Easy said, shopping is endless happiness. Yet, we are often told to just buy what you don't have yet, or what you really want (or need) and to buy only something that excites you. But that will never, ever work for me.

4 April 2013

Disarray

"And maybe that was love. Being so vulnerable and allowing someone else
in so far they could hurt you, but they also give you everything." - Christine Feehan


It feels like you ripped my heart out, crumbled it up like a flimsy piece of loose leaf paper and crammed it back into my chest. Nothing feels the same. Waiting for you is like waiting for the rain in the drought. Useless and disappointing. What happened to us, broke me. It had set us apart. I don't want to be in pain, I want to be done, to be left unburdened. I want be loved the way I should be loved. I want to be treated the way I deserve. I want to love you the way I did.

p/s: "There's a problem with wounded birds, Cassie," Connor said. "Either they fly away from you one day, or else they never get better. They stay hurt no matter what you do."