27 November 2013

Coffee it is

"As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?" - Cassandra Clare


It all started with my trip to Adelaide. CIBO Espresso was everywhere in Adelaide. It was a big thing from what I heard. Back then, I was not a fan of coffee. I was more of a tea person; chamomile tea (my absolute fave), green tea, chrysanthemum tea, I love them all. To me, coffee was nothing but bitter and smelly. It stains your teeth and it makes your breath stink, like you haven't brushed your teeth for months, years. I didn't like coffee at all. But... my trip to Adelaide changed me. That very first cup of latte I had, instantaneously made me fall hard in love with coffee. Screw Starbucks, screw The Coffee Bean. What I had, was the real deal. That was real coffee and it was so good. So so so good.

I was in Canberra for a month, I was having coffee almost everyday, sometimes maybe twice a day. It was so good. It reminded me of Adelaide and my love for coffee. Now that I'm back in Malaysia, I find myself constantly drooling at the thought of having a cup of coffee, always craving. I'm pretty hooked to COFFEE. And I guess you must be wondering; why the hell am I writing about coffee?! Well, I can't sleep. It's way past midnight and I'm hankering for some coffee!!!!!!

21 November 2013

I'm very glad I'm not a teenager today

I am 24 years old, and today being a 20-something, (as I'm sure all of you Thought Catalog readers are all too aware), comes with its own host of problems from student loans to FOMO to getting your first grey hair and seriously freaking out over Ok Cupid first dates. But even with all of the problems associated with being 24, I'm glad I am not 16 anymore.


It sounds weird to say "back in my day..." when "my day" was less than a decade ago, but teenagers in 2005 and teenagers in 2013 are very different creatures. Yes, we had AIM - but Internet time wasn't unlimited. Yes, we had texting, but we also had minutes to worry about, and we Snapchat selfies were almost impossible with the grainy flip camera phone. Teenagers in 2013 are constantly on display, from Facebook, to Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat. It's hard enough to be 16 - which comes with its host of weird body changes: for me, it was a lack of boob growth, a spurt of bodily hair growth (hey, I'm Italian), and a greasy T-zone. But to constantly have to get dolled up and put my body on display? I wouldn't have survived one week.

My 17-year-old cousin has been wearing push-up bras for 2 years now, and she has been perfecting her selfie shot (which usually accentuates her blue eyes, subtle cleavage and uber-straight hairstyle). My boyfriend used to babysit this kid who's now a senior in high school. She still acts like a kid -giggling at everything - her still baby-round face cracking into a perpetual grin. But yet, her Facebook profile picture features an Instagram-filtered-picture-perfect seductive pose of her in a bikini.

Never mind the fact that oversexualizing yourself as a teenager comes with a wide array of problems - from Internet pedophiles to horny teenage boys drooling (and God knows what else), over those same seductive selfies. But it comes down to the fact that these young women are presumably spending hours of each day primping and styling to get their look just right for their day at school. And they all look the same! The gaggle of girls barely out of puberty, posing with duck faces, and peace signs in barely-there shorts and crop tops - honey-blonde hair and XOXO plastered all over the photos.

To some degree, this obsession with teenage beauty has always been an issue. But now there are likes, shares and re-tweets. Can you imagine when you were in high school walking down the hallway and getting flashed thumbs-ups or "OMG ur soooo pretty!!" signs from people who walked past? Or even worse, looking for those thumbs-up and compliments and getting none? I wouldn't have been able to crawl out of bed. Being a teenager today is like being on a perpetual digital catwalk. Something needs to be done about young women who put on much emphasis on their looks. Instead of #OOTD (hashtag: outfit of the day - complete with a bathroom selfie, and cute new Hollister outfit), why not "Got a writing scholarship! #humblebrag"?

30 October 2013

Breath of spring

"I glanced out the window at the signs of spring. The sky was almost blue, 
the trees were almost budding, the sun was almost bright." - Millard Kaufman


Can words describe the fragrance of the very breath of spring?

16 October 2013

Metamorphosis

"The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow, is if we change. The only way we can learn, is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed, is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself." - C. Joybell C.


One fine day, while I was rolling on my bed, bored to death, all of a sudden I had a thought to change my plain look. I've had this long, straight look for three years, I was running out of ideas of what to do with my hair. Usually, I'd just get it trimmed, dyed with the same ol' fringe. So I thought, why not do something crazy? I narrowed my choices down to getting my hair all chopped off with cute bangs or permanently permed. I told the boyfriend about my crazy idea and all he said was,"... I don't like girls with short hair. Don't cut it, Jo.". So I ended up getting my long, straight hair permed.

I spent four torturing, hell-like hours in the salon and was forced to cut it layered, which I hate so much. But I kinda like my hair though, just need some getting used to. What do you guys think? Be very honest with me: a big yay or nay-nay?!

13 October 2013

Graduation Ceremony

"It's the things you fight for and struggle with before earning that have the greatest worth." - Sarah Dessen


They tell you to follow your dreams, but why didn't anyone say you have to wake up first?  Now I'm set unmoored, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars. Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. There will be more to come!


All of us (The only person missing in the pictures is Bellena).


The girls of Diploma in Culinary Arts.



My wonderful aunts, aunty FY and aunty FH. Thank you for providing me a place to crash and taking a real good care of me. I will forever be grateful. You both are like mothers to me. Love you both so freaking much. Thank you so much.


Mr. Lai decided to comment on the picture above, on Facebook saying, "My first Diploma in Culinary Arts students who studied Marketing and still wonder why they had to do it.". Well said Mr. Lai Mun Loon, very well said. *thumbs up*


Now that I'm all grown up, they want a serious answer on what I want to be. Well, how about this: who the hell knows what I really want to be? I want to make mistakes, I want to change my mind, then change it again. That way, maybe someday, when they ask again, I won't have to guess. I will know. I'll know what I really want. Hopefully I will know.

25 September 2013

Tie it to a goal

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going." - Jim Ryun


I've decided to make a list of life goals, short-term and long-term. Well, I can't be rolling on my bed all day long, doing nothing, just spending my money on fabulous clothes, wandering around shopping malls. I need to get a life, I just need to get myself a life. So I decided, or more like my boyfriend suggested me to do stuffs.......... before I begin my life in Auz.

19 September 2013

Wake me up

"Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell that solitude is fine." - Honoré de Balzac


There is the emptiness of anguish, that when going through darkness, it is lonely, intense and terrible. Words become vulnerable to express all my pain. What others hear is so far-flung and different from what I'm actually going through. But I guess I just have to accept my own aloneness and stick to it, and then welcome the times when the gap is filled in.

I'm not much, but I'm all I have. Soon I will have to leave, leave everything behind: my best friends, my loved ones, my favourite shopping malls, my home, my life. I have to start all over with nothing in my hands, no one by my side, but my family. I don't think I'm ready for all this crap, I don't think I can start afresh. What if I can't? I want to start all over, but I don't know if I can... I know I can't. I just know. (http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/if-youre-lonely-then-read-this/)

26 August 2013

The mistake

"The trick is not keep making them over and over." - Sara Poole


Everyone makes mistakes. I make mistakes. I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. But the mistakes I've made are dead to me. I made a wrong turn, I now have to take a step backward to step in the right direction. I'm never, ever making the same mistake again. Never again.

26 July 2013

All is black

"I felt a splinter of guilt wedge into my heart." - Jodi Picoult


Here he is, all mine, trying to give his best to give me all he can. How could I ever hurt him? But I didn't understand then; that I could hurt somebody so badly, he would never recover; that a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair. I made a mistake, it was all my fault. And that's all it will be: one big scar of love went wrong. No one will see it, no one will know, but it will be there. Even when I stop crying, even when we fall asleep and I'm nestled in his arms, all of the scars will have scars. I hurt him, I shredded his heart with one hand, and it's only going to get worse. So why did I hurt him? It was like I took a shot in the dark, then realised I was too late, because I had wounded the person I was trying to protect. But after being heartbroken for so long, I think I had made myself completely numb inside. Maybe not from physical pain, but anything emotional. I'm so sorry, Hsiang. I'm so sorry love.

19 July 2013

Secret sorrows

"Whatever it takes to find the real you, don't be daunted if the rest of the world looks on in shock." - Stephen Richards

 

I guess, somehow, I'll find it. The balance between who I wish to be and who I need to be. But maybe for now, I just have to be satisfied with who I am. My life is a big mess and in pain. It gets more complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes I have no idea where to go, or what to do anymore. I want to give up. No, I give up. I cannot do this anymore.

25 May 2013

If I were a movie

"Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending." - Jim Henson


If I were a movie, it'd be complicated, yet, to me, everything will be perfect, unmarred and I will have a happy ending, my very own happy ending; everything will go the way I want them to take place; well, it is my story. Yes, my fairytale.

I would look like Serena van der Woodsen: tall, thin, but maybe screw being blonde because I'd like to have alluring brown hair instead... mysterious looking, yet beautiful. I would then live the life of Clare Abshire as an artist who making paper sculptures for a living, "Miss-Look-But-Don't-Touch". How I meet prince charming will be just like how Noah Calhoun meets Allie Hamilton, he would climb up the Ferris wheel to speak to me, write me a letter each day for one year and he'd take me for a boat ride on the river, and show me a place filled with geese and swans. He would propose to me by getting down on one knee, saying all the right things, then lifting me up for a hug after I say yes, just like how Edward Cullen asked Bella Swan to marry him. Cheesy, but that proposal is literally classic, so clichéd......... so stainless.

20 May 2013

The little things that makes me happy

"Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things." - Ann Brasheres


1. Being able to access all the social networking sites such as Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Keek, tumblr, Google+, Blogger, Skype, Foursquare, Pinterest... you name it. As long as there's 3G or WiFi.

2. Knowing that I am still young to do things like ride a roller-coaster (I have never that done before, maybe soon), bungee-jump, get a tattoo, walk along Yarra River, eat a dozen burgers at one go.

3. Trying out a new hobby. I recently did some watercolour painting and taught myself to play the ukelele. I can play a few songs, but I kinda suck at strumming. I just don't know how to strum yet.

4. Getting off work early.

5. Learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable situations. Making new friends, a new workplace or department, taking public transports to work, being surrounded by mandarin-speaking snoops.

6. Knowing that there are still some people out there who loves me for who I am, cares for me, appreciates me, admires me and who will always there for me when I need them, or want to see them.

7. That I had made it through that very awkward puberty phase: top braces with food that never fails to get stuck in between, pimples on my cheeks and broad forehead.

8. How my relationship with my parents has changed from being curfew prison guards to my best friends. (Yup, I can now do whatever the hell I want!)

9. Pretty clothes that fit, shoes that fit, rings that fit.

10. Brand new episodes of my favourite TV shows. How I Met Your Mother, Revenge, Once Upon A Time, Arrow, Sherlock, The Carrie Diaries, Elementary and the list of my favourites goes on.

11. Molten lava cake.

12. A really good cup of latte.

17 May 2013

Forgetting yesterday

"Change not only was inevitable, but usually brought its own rewards." - Nicholas Sparks


Things change, friends leave. Life does not stop for anyone. At such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or saying that we are not yet ready for these kind of things. Just one gesture, one person and one moment at a time. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Let reality just be reality, however it wants to be.

6 May 2013

There was hope

"Even a child would think twice before touching a hot kettle once burned, but in Malaysia, 
we simply make new plans, and repeat the same old mistakes." - Brian Yap 


I was born here, I was brought up here. I have observed everything little thing that has been happening all around, but I refuse to say a word. I refuse to say anything, because I can't vote yet,  not eligible, not at that age to help make a change. But I want change, sadly, I didn't get any change. There was a chance for a change, there was hope for a transformation, but you guys decided it was all right to cheat (paying people to vote, bringing in extra bags of ballots via helicopter, the blackout, the Bangladeshis, also known as phantom voters) your way through everything. Macam tak malu langsung sial.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to say that I am a Malaysian? I'm more embarrassed and disappointed of my country than feeling angry. And everyone wonders why we never move forward, turning into a bloody third world country.

21 April 2013

Drowned in sweat

"Easy and difficult things are just small parts of life, the rest are what have to be done." - Alief Moulana


I get up really early to avoid the traffic, I sign in, I get my hair all tied up, I change into my uncomfortable uniform, I walk into the kitchen, I do whatever, I have a super quick lunch, I do whatever and I never go back on time, like never.

I can't tell anymore what day it is. My days seemed to be all jumbled up. I have no more weekends, because I work six days a week, with a minimum of eight hours per day. The only day that feels like a weekend is my off day, which right now is every Friday. Every other freaking day feels like Monday. Flickin' Monday. Stupid Monday. I despise Mondays.

But working, it keeps me tied up, kills time and takes my mind off everything. I have definitely learnt to be more patient with people, tolerate their crap and just respond to everything with a smile, though the silence is killing me. And I now know how all these people actually keep themselves sane. They sing, they shout foul languages at each other (for absolutely no bloody reason) and they talk a whole load of cow dung rubbish. Nothing makes sense in this line, nothing at all. The money may be shipshape, but sure as hell have no life. I'm definitely going to rethink about all crappidy crap.

19 April 2013

Looking for Alaska

"At the end of the day, the questions we ask of ourselves determine the type of people that we will become." - Leo Babauta


I'm sitting here, in a funky mood - not knowing what to do, what to say, where to go. I'm feeling really antsy and unsure why. There are so many things I should be doing, could be doing, but I don't want to do any of them. My mind is running in different directions. So many worries, fears and thoughts, always wondering how I am ever going to survive in this mucked up world, will I be able to pull through on my own, this craziness. I think I am slowly driving myself nuts.

I have about a millions questions to ask myself. Sometimes I wish I had the answers to all these silly questions I ask myself: What am I passionate about? What are the most important things to me in life? What are my values? Do I love my job? Am I living the life of my dreams? Am I putting any parts of my life on hold? What is my top priority in my life right now? If I had one month left to live, what will I do? Will I get married? Will I have kids? Is there anything I am running away from? What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose in life? Why do I exist? Am I afraid of letting others get close to me? Is there something I'm still holding on to? Is it time to let go? If not now, then when? Will I ever?

9 April 2013

Unsettled

"Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle." - W. S. Merwin


Countless sleepless nights, about a million things running through my empty mind, and I have never ever, ever felt so alone. I'm lonely, I'm lonely in some horrible deep way. And it is because I miss you, I really do miss you....... so much.

I know I have said this many times, but this long-distance relationship thing is slowly killing me, inside and out. It isn't going the way I had expected it to be. What I thought was going to be a child's play; with all the constant text messaging and video calls. But no, his day is my night, his night will always be my day and we are often torn apart by the time difference. Do you know how does it feels? Not having anyone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, he is never ever there. And no matter what you do, or how much you try to save your dying relationship, it will just end up making things worst for the both of you. I don't know how long I can do this, this thing, it's unerringly driving me nuts. I'm going cuckoo crazy.

p/s: I know this isn't what you would want to hear about LDR, but I just want you guys to know that all this isn't as easy as we have seen it in movies, or read it in books. Nothing will go-as-you-please.

8 April 2013

Shopaholic

"When I shop, the world gets better, and the world is better, but then it's not, and I need to do it again." - Sophie Kinsella


Shopping is a woman's thing. We enjoy the tussle, the noisy crowds, the risk of being ambushed to death and the contentment of the purchase. It's like there's a little bit of magic found in buying something new. It is like instant gratification, a quick fix. Easy said, shopping is endless happiness. Yet, we are often told to just buy what you don't have yet, or what you really want (or need) and to buy only something that excites you. But that will never, ever work for me.

4 April 2013

Disarray

"And maybe that was love. Being so vulnerable and allowing someone else
in so far they could hurt you, but they also give you everything." - Christine Feehan


It feels like you ripped my heart out, crumbled it up like a flimsy piece of loose leaf paper and crammed it back into my chest. Nothing feels the same. Waiting for you is like waiting for the rain in the drought. Useless and disappointing. What happened to us, broke me. It had set us apart. I don't want to be in pain, I want to be done, to be left unburdened. I want be loved the way I should be loved. I want to be treated the way I deserve. I want to love you the way I did.

p/s: "There's a problem with wounded birds, Cassie," Connor said. "Either they fly away from you one day, or else they never get better. They stay hurt no matter what you do."

9 March 2013

Go figure

"I've always thought there are two ways of getting what you wanted in life. Forcing people to 
give it to you, or making them want to give it to you." - Candace Bushnell


Back then I knew what I wanted. I wanted my own shop, baking beautiful cakes and cupcakes, just for weddings. But as I got older, I realised that, this isn't what I really want; I do not know what I want. I really do not know what I want. 

Honestly, I haven't really gotten my life all figured out yet. There are just so many things I'd love to do: I'd love to write, just write, write about everything that comes into my head. I'd love bake, just bake, cakes and cupcakes with loads of pretty icings on them. I'd love to travel, just travel, travel all around the world. I'd love to design stuffs, I'd love to draw, I'd love to paint, just doing those things makes me happy. I'd love to be around clothes, shoes, bags, all the gorgeous and most stylish everything a girl can have. So, tell me, how it is even possible to know what I want to do in life, when I love so many things? But I guess, the truth is, I'm just so afraid to be caught doing just one thing.

But again, maybe, maybe sometimes we just need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out how we feel, stop deciding what we want and just see what happens. Because eventually everything will fall into place. Well, until then, laugh at all the confusion, live for the moment and hang in there, hang on really tight. Hang on, Jo!

6 March 2013

I heart NY

"New York is made up of millions of different people, and they all come here looking for something." - Lindsay Kelk


I've fallen in love with New York City. The world's most dramatic city. The biggest collection of villages in the world. A third-rate Babylon. A city of prose and fantasy. I'm so in love, big time. I guess I fell in love with the city by just watching the life of Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City and The Carrie Diaries. I know all this sounds pretty lame, but NYC sounds like a place I'd love and want to live in. I'd love to be amongst millions of people, strutting in my very own pair of Manolo Blahnik on the sidewalk, enjoying a glass of cosmo in the best restaurant and bar in NYC, and hailing a cab by shouting "taxi" out loud, whilst holding out my arm, like how they do it in the movies.

Don't you just love the city life? Because I do. I love the city. I don't think I will ever, ever stop dreaming about NYC, not until I have my ass settled in The Coffee Shop. So I'm guessing I'll have to start saving up then!

25 February 2013

Peter Pan

"She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls." - J.M. Barrie


I found out that growing up can mean a lot of things. Growing up is hard, it's never straight forward. There are moments when everything is fine, then there are other moments where I realise that there are certain memories I'll never get back and there are certain people that are going to change. They said growing up was watching your own breasts grow, your waist widen and hairs sprouts on your erogenous zones. Strangely, even when we have stopped growing physically, we seem to keep on growing emotionally. But growing up changes more than just playground games and body shapes. Many years went by, I've been growing up, slower than I want to, faster than I realised. But life is such.

p/s: And don't you find it odd? That when you're a kid, everyone, all the world, encourages you to follow your dreams. But when you're older, somehow they all act disappointed if you even try.

22 February 2013

Hanging on

"... maybe we only exist in each other's dreams and every morning when we wake up, we forget all about each other." - Audrey Niffnegger


Clare Abshire was always left behind. She waited for him, didn't know where he was, always wondered if he was doing okay. It was difficult to be the one who stayed. She kept herself busy as she thought time went faster that way. She slept alone and she woke up alone. She took walks alone. She worked until she was tired. She watched the wind play with the trash that has been under the snow all winter. Everything seemed so simple until she thought about it. It was not easy.

So why is love intensified by absence? I guess now I know how it feels to be left behind. I am always waiting for him. I never know where he is. I am always wondering if he's doing all right. It really is difficult to be the one who stays.

I keep myself busy. I sleep alone. I wake up alone. I go shopping alone. I watch movies alone. I do whatever I can to make time go faster. This waiting feels like it has been a year, an eternity. Every minute is as slow, as transparent as glass.

Almost there

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; 
but it is journey that matters, in the end." - Ernest Hemingway


It would feel good to say this... but I'd shake my own hand. Congratulate myself. Hug myself. Shed some tears of joy. Jump like a crazy freak-a-zoid who had just won millions of dollars. Because I'm almost there. I am almost there!

9 February 2013

All or nothing

"Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive..." - Nicholas Sparks


I honestly would say that relationships are never easy. What more long-distance relationships. It definitely isn't as easy as telling him you love him. Sometimes you'd be madly in love and crazy about each other... on cloud nine, then sometimes you'd find the both of you arguing for the littlest things in life and fighting like it's the end of the world. Though I have to admit it's actually pretty normal. No matter how much you hate arguing, you hate fighting, there will always be disagreements between each other, arguments and fights. And this basically happens because we are different. We are not the same. We all have different personalities, different views about things, how we see things are different and the way we think are different. Just like Marcus and I. Both different. We might love the same things, but at the same time we don't. Like how I love seafood, you name it: prawns, crabs, fish, scallops. I love frogs and escargots. But he doesn't. He loves Maths, I don't. He loves all these electro house music and I'm starting to like listening to those kind of music. I feel like I don't really know everything about him yet. I feel like I'm still getting to know him. And I love it. I mean, we have been together for almost seven years now and I still have something new to discover about him each day.

I know it can be pretty tough sometimes. But I think if you really love someone, you'd fight for them, you'd change for them. You'd still care for them even when you're pissed at them. You'd still think about the good times you had with each other. And no matter the tears you had shed, you'd still think about them. I still do think about him. All the time. Even when we've just fought. I'd think about him, think maybe sometimes it was my fault, think about him hugging me, kissing me gently. Just that little thought in your head will change your mind, that you shouldn't just give up and throw it all away, and to waste. If he's right there and he's the one, what is not worth fighting for?

Everything, everything is worth it.

3 February 2013

Big Bucket List

"We all have two choices; we can make a living or we can design a life." - Jim Rohn


1. Cliff jump.
2. Dance on the beach.
3. Donate hair to Locks of Love.
4. Get a tattoo.
5. Go on a road trip with friends.
6. Have a pen pal.

7. Have the perfect walk-in wardrobe.


8. Kiss in the rain.
9. Learn how to scuba dive.
10. Marry my high school sweetheart.
11. Meet Lana Del Rey.
12. Meet Leighton Meester.
13. Participate in La Tomatina in Buñol, Spain.
14. Perform in front of a crowd.

15. Pet a tiger.


16. Play laser tag.
17. Ride first-class.
18. Rock climbing.
19. Send a message in a bottle.
20. Visit Juliet's House in Verona, Italy.

21. Visit Santorini, Greece.

30 January 2013

Where there's smoke

"If clouds are blocking the sun, there will always be a silver lining that reminds me to keep on trying..." - Matthew Quick


I feel like the days are going by faster, slower, sometimes just the same as always. It isn't about what my watch or clock tells me, but it is what I personally feel about the speed at which my life is passing and I find it kinda irksome to catch up.

I have been in college for two years now. And basically, this semester is my last. Now that is fast. What isn't fast is that I have to wait for about two years or so to be with my boyfriend, who is now in the states, doing his degree. Well, that to me is a long wait. But I think once I have done two years of waiting for him, I'd smirk and say, "That was quick". So... what is it with us, human beings and time? With all the "........... we all grew up too fast", "I feel freaking old!", "So fast lah", "I should not have done that", "How I wish I could turn back time" and the list of complaints goes on, and on, and on.

Why can't we leave time alone? I know I can't. I, for some reason, just love bellyaching about time. I'd think about the past, I'd wish I hadn't done this, I wish I hadn't done that and just "WOW, THAT WAS FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

26 January 2013

Sweet Twenty

"... and they become adults the moment the final drop of everything mysterious is strained from them." - Simon Van Booy


I AM TWENTY. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am twenty. I am freakin' twenty.

I feel old, I feel different. I am now a young adult, no more a teenager and I guess that some things should be done differently now. Change it is. I am freaking twenty years old now. How the hell did that happen so fast? Time flies like an arrow, like fruit flies like a banana. When I blew out those candles, I wish for nothing but happiness in life. Just happiness. What more can I ask? I have everything. Great friends, a loving family and a wonderful boyfriend. My life cannot get any better than this. Can it? I am grateful. I really am. I have everything in life.

Although I really wish he had been here to celebrate with me. But nothing will go the way I want to. I can't have him right now. So I guess now I should start figuring my life out, like, what do I want to do in life? I do know I want to get married, I want kids, I want a dog and I want a nice comfy house to live in. I just haven't got to the part where what I would be doing for a living. Hell, I won't be here, in Malaysia and the life I have installed for me is something I am not prepared for. Everything there will be very unusual for me. How will I adjust to the changes? No idea. I guess that's what keeping me from knowing what I want to do in life. *big sighs* 2-FREAKING-WENTY.

20 January 2013

Close your eyes

"None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. 
Because we trust. Because we have faith." - Paula Coelho


I feel as if I have lost everything. I find myself just staring into space. I find myself crying on the stairs, sobbing in the shower. I find myself throwing food away, instead of shoving it down my throat. I find myself doing everything differently. I'm miserable. There, I said it. I really am. I never knew letting someone go was easy. I didn't know that it would take this long to get over it. I'm still not over it. I can't get over it.

Yes, we do talk whenever it is possible. We do see each other through FaceTime or Skype. But, it is different. We have been together for almost seven years now. In that seven years, he has always been there for me. When I needed him the most, he was there. When I needed someone to talk, to cry on, he was always there. Now... Just different. And I find it difficult to adjust. I keep things to myself, I cry myself to sleep, I can't eat properly. I'm practically just waiting for the day I get to see him again, which is? I don't know. I hope real soon. I hope so.

6 January 2013

Turning page

"You are my best friend as well as my lover, and I do not know which side of you I enjoy the most. 
I treasure each side, just as I have treasure our life together." - Nicholas Sparks


So, it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me....... everyday. You and me, you and me, you and me.

It has only been three days (not counting the day he left) and it feels like forever. Here I am, listening to a really depressing piece by Sigur Rós, Fjögur Píanó and I just feel like soaking myself in my own tears. I AM THAT SAD. I can't remember the last time I have slept enough, ate right and even smiled at my own reflection in the mirror. I miss him so freakishly much. And things are never ever going to be the same again. We have been together for almost seven years now, and he just had to leave me behind. The time difference is crap, we talk less, I only get to see him through FaceTime or Skype, and I don't get to hold him anymore; I don't get to feel his warmth, neither can I feel his touch. My heart feels like it has shattered into millions of pieces and I'm now slowly picking them up, but I can't seem to find the missing pieces. Just something so precious was taken away from me. I wish we had more time together. I wish he didn't have to go.

This LDR thing is not easy. It just isn't easy. I guess it takes a whole lot of patience, truckload of trust and a handful of faith, which is nothing I am good at... yet. I tried, I blew up. And I will try again. But nothing feels the same.

4 January 2013

Running after yesterday

"If they take you away from me, fear not, I love you always. I love you with all my heart." - Izicain


But I'll wait for you, Hsiang. Every beat of my heart belongs to you, whether you ask for it or not. My love, my best friend and my everything. I miss you. I miss you so much... it actually hurts. I wish you were still here. I wish we had more time together. I wish I had treated you better. I wish I had loved you more, touched you more, appreciated you more. I wish you didn't have to leave. I wish I were stronger, but I am not. I think this has got to be the hardest goodbye ever. Seeing you go, killed me a little inside. It was just so hard to see you go. And I forgive you. Just cannot wait for you to come back and get me. I will be waiting for the day that I will again, be in your arms. I really do miss you so much. I have never, ever felt more lonely. I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you to come get me. I love you <3